Contemplations: October 2003

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I was a prick today n i knew it. Y didn't i stop myself frm being such an ass? bu zhi dao. Rebellious nature? If u want me to do it, all the more i won't do it. I won't do stuff tt i'm not sincere abt. Y am i shunning away frm my faith. wads wrong wif me. stupid attitude. I can't seem to hide feelings tt well anymore. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Nvm the world. Shut mind. Shut thoughts. Shut heart. I should be numb to it all.
Delete. erase. eradicate. eliminate. liquidate. purge. banish. execute.

I love physics. I love chem. I love maths. They r my bestest frens.

Numb -Linkin Park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

Monday, October 27, 2003

sometimes i just hate myself for wishing n hoping n praying. Staying put n waiting for something to happen. It's a waste of time n youth. ben nu ren, ben nu ren. In a while i'll b thinking abt u baby. sleep sleep.

Study u, n u n u n u n u n u. 16days... 4x4, 20-4, 2x8

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Iris -Goo Goo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I neva knew tt she kept so much frm me. But i do it too.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I feel like an empty glass. clank. clank. clank. Empty vessels make the most noise. This empty vessel seems silent.

The first time i heard this song was way back. It caught my ear n i just stood there transfixed. Been hearing it over the radio at Bk but could neva catch the title or the singer. Finally got it, thank u Mervyn.

White Flag -Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that but if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet as I'm sure we will
All that was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

lalala~ i hate technology. I hate telecommunications. I hate the comp.

A few days ago i dreamt tt i was being stabbed by someone i knew. No matter how i pleaded, the person kept driving the knife into me. He wasn't stabbing he was just pushing it deeper. I just knew tt i was stabbed although it felt like the person was squeezing the life out of me, like my lungs were compressed and i couldn't draw oxygen no matter how hard i tried. Is tt how drowning feel like?
I read abt the NS guy who drowned while going thru training in the papers recently. sad.

Yesterday i dreamt of Alex. These few days i've been wondering how he's been.

I found my pri sch classmate on friendster! More like she found me. sweet. my long lost malay fren. She's also Sj's fren in fact. Now i can say i haf A malay friend. pathetic.
I lost all my friends frm other races once i entered st nicks n i haf none since? Doesn't help tt for my 2yrs of jc education i wind up in a class filled wif Chinese. But i still love 01.

I remember my p1, 2, 3(?) best fren was a Malay. Ashyrin...hmmm i can't remember how to spell it anymore. I'm sure i got it right. She had curly hair. The last time i saw her was hmm last yr, at J8. She still had curly hair. I could recognise her and she could recognise me. Exchanged smiles n went on our way.

I feel like a pri kid typing an essay. My ex-best fren.

Monday, October 20, 2003

You Belong To Me -Vonda Shepard
See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darling all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so lonesome without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me.

Woke up wif a fear, tt i'm gonna waste it all again. byebye day.

Everything happens for a reason.. ain't life wonderful and miraculous in tt sense? At times i feel super hyper, happy and floaty for no apparent reason. Then along the way, a fren will come to me, filled wif the exact opposite feelings. It definately dampens my happiness and I used to qns y God made me all euphoric n den dragged me back to earth in an instant. Maybe the happiness tt filled me was meant to b shared. Meant to b shared wif that fren tt comes along. *sprinkles happiness dust*

Today i was at Northpt and someone asked me for directions to the MRT station. I've been asked by strangers many times for directions n i haf often wondered y. Do i haf the 'I know the way. Ask me.' face? Sometimes.. ok usually, i can't help tt person and i get a little frustrated and useless but everytime i successfully direct a person to the destination i feel a teeny weeny sense of accomplishment. 'I did a good deed today!' Maybe it's a blessing afterall. To direct a person's path... Just like teaching? I remember Ms Goh speaking abt her being frequently asked for directions during a certain period of time and den it faded off. Would my occurances disappear too?
I like to imagine tt probably sometime in life those strangers tt cross my path would cross it once again. People haf to b at the exact same place and the exact same time to meet, a little ripple in the events carried out would haf resulted in them not meeting at all. Tts y i reallie find coincidental meetings amusing. Sometimes i see strangers on the streets and i wonder whether i'd see them eva again. There's so many pple in the world yet only certain selected few tt walk into my life. It tells me i shld treasure the pple ard me more. (i love u guys *muacks muacks*)

Sounds abit silly when i haf it all typed out but when i lie in bed n think abt it i get the 'enlightened' feeling. (Does attaining nirvana feel like tt? ha) The feeling of knowing yet not knowing, understanding and yet not understanding, n den i drift into the realm of dreams. I'm sounding like prof trelawny frm potty *stares into murky crystal ball* "Humm.. I see.. I see... my reflection."

Friday, October 17, 2003

I got my first eva award frm aj, no it's not medal, it's not a plaque and i can't even call it a trophy. *frowns* It's just a plastic standing ornament which is shaped like a big eye with the sch badge n name at it's 'pupil' and below it etched on the 'gold' coloured plate: 'IN RECOGNITION OF ACHIEVING THE GOLD AWARD IN SYF 2003'. *raises plastic-standing-ornament high up* i want to thank my mother, my father... I went ard doing this once i got my hands on it to irritate pple.. Mervin n I also went ard wif the plastic ornament over our eyes saying it was just like our eyes. *luffs* Everybodi must think i'm crazy considering the whole CO got it and even choir got the exact same plastic-standing thingie. tt would total up to approximately 140 peeps who got it. I did say it was my first frm aj rite? so i haf every right to b excited. Erm.. i think it's ok. (cf. 2 entries back). Xm complained tt it's not even heavy enough to b used as a paper holder.. How true, n my plans for it was exactly tt. darn.
It's been yrs since i got a medal/plaque/trophy. hmm.. y i've neva got a trophy b4. I'd use it as a cup if i haf one heh. Certs, i got alot. Certs for everything n anything... questa card la, australian maths la, basic swimming course la, psle cert la, dunno wad IT literacy crap etc etc. I must add tt they're all certs of participation aka pang sai zhua.
Today is charmaine maine maine's burfday.... To the tune of some 50cent (the singer lah. not the amt which u can buy a mac icecream wif) song: "yo charmaine it's ur birthday, we're gonna sip barcardi like it's ur birthday, cos we dun gif a *toot* if it's not ur birthday..." aiya tts total crap. I'm getting vulgar. shit.
Wanna wishy u a BEAuuUtiful birthday. Hope u like the fishy dear~

wo wang qian fei fei guo yi pian shi jian hai
wo men ye chang zai ai qing li shou shang hai
wo kan zhe lu meng de ru kou you dian zai
wo yu jian ni shi zui mei li de yi wai
zong you yi tian wo de mi di hui jie kai -yu jian

Thursday, October 16, 2003

3 weeks left...
Managed to wake up w/o the alarm clock ringing n hp alarm ringing. *pats myself on the back* gd girl.
Took lotsa photos today. Tmr's gonna b the last official lesson. I miss it already. =`(
Ms Goh's lil' "iceberg" talk was rather enlightening, the small 'i' and the capital 'I'. How do i tap into my inner 'I'? *ponders, mediates n floats to oblivion* She mentioned abt planting orange seeds and being disappointed cos u dun get an apple tree, tt kinda struck me. Although it've heard the old 'what u reap is wad u sow' saying, it just felt very applicable to me at this pt of time. I'm not putting in enough effort now, no, make tt not putting in effort, so i have no right to b disappointed even if i flunk my As. I feel really stupid. To worry n to not do anything abt it.
I always thought Mrs wong was biased. She still is.. =P but today i was touched by what she said to us. She repeatedly encouraged us to meet up wif her for consultation cos she said she's worried for us when we dun go to her and she told her us tt we could always look for her if we needed someone to talk to. Is tt sweet or is tt sweet? Before she left, she came to me personally n told me to meet her regularly for consultation. Ahh... i felt like i let her down. She put so much effort n i'm not doing my part. =`( I feel so ashamed, i'm gonna disappoint everyone.

Monday, October 13, 2003

I got my hair snipped... i think the hairdresser went overboard bah... Charlene came wif me to the hairdressers n after i was done, she said something like "Erm.. i think it's ok." Amelia couldn't recognise me when i met her in the toilet, evil mervin n pinjin said i look weird, or something to tt extent.. bohoo.. aiya my stupid brother also says so. I know they're right lah. But, it'll grow!! just u'll wait.. *luffs*
Didn't know walking out of sch b4 lessons ended would b so shuang. Woops. I didn't say i did tt ok? I think i'll take a nap.
I walked to the interchge wif hc neighbour again today. Kinda felt abit awkward when there were periods of silence, i'm running out of polite qns to ask. I hate it when i dunno what to say. Ah yes i know, i'll ask abt his brother the next time i see him. oh yes, we were taking the lift down in absolute silence n den he said "ni jian tou fa ah" *pengs*
Chem prac starts tmr.. let's hope my nose is in fine wrking order tmr in order to detect any irritating/pungent/sweet smelling gases. Gd luck everyone!

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Y issit tt that pple u try to avoid always pop up and pple u wish to see neva turn up. Left the house earlier today and thought tt i won't b seeing hc neighbour. (i'm gonna b calling him hc neighbour frm now on) Walked to the interchange n i saw him there. pengs. Erm... evil me pretended not to see him and continued on my way. I think he saw me though. Took the bus back wif sj after sch, and i saw him wif his fren at the interchange again. dang. Guess wad i did? Pretend not to see him lor. N i think he did the same. He queued for 800 and i boarded the 804 bus tt came first. Thought i'd b rid of him but no... after i alighted at my stop i saw him 100m in front. Pengs. So i walked slower n slower n slower, till he was out of sight. Happily walked to take the lift, n i saw him waiting for the lift. Didn't i walk slow enough?!?! Smiled n wondered out loud y i left first n yet he reached earlier than me. Ah ha! Acknowledged tt he saw me at the interchange too. avoiding me ha? *luffs* I think i'm crazy. So gotta take the lift up wif him and asked him y he ended so late blah blah blah, n he asked when i was gonna mug. "As soon as possible" i replied. How does he know i'm not a chao mugger??!? ok, so my grades gave me away. anyway... i reallie reallie reallie reallie reallie gonna do it ASAP ok...
Experienced a bout of uncontrollable luffing.. yay~

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

DED. As i already told everyone, i'm short of an A to spell 'DEAD'. Will i be reallie 'dead' after As? maybe. I'm starting to feel impending doom already. Msged Alex on the way back home to ask how's his finals going on. Aiya sure can ace one this kid, wrking hard for triple sci, jia you jia you. I was neva so pia for streaming =X, neva did pia for anything realie. Nice kid. Puts a smile on my face. Maybe i onli click well wif jrs as wad lisa told me.
I met my hc neighbour this morn again. I'm quite cranky in the morn, especially when i just wake up. If i feel like speaking i'll speak, if i dun feel like it, i can act like i'm dumb but after a while i'll return to normal. Anyway, the poor guy has seen both sides me in the morn he must think i've got split personality or something, some mornings so frenly, others so cold. Today he caught me in a gd mood. Muttered something abt MRT under his breath, which i haf no idea wad it was but was too paiseh to ask again. Told him tt i'd b walking n surprisingly he said he'll come along, usually he takes the bus. Oh, did i mention i'm starting to walk to the interchange instead of taking the bus ie unless i'm late n if it's raining. I realised tt the 15min walk to the interchange has many benefits. It gifs me ample time to think funny thoughts-my dream last nite, whether i'd b killed by killer litter. I can also feel the cool morning breeze, smell the morning air (more like exhaust fumes though), sing the song for that day *sings* "I simply remember my favourite things n than i won't feel so bad"
Baa.. drifted. I was talking abt my neighbour. Seems like he didn't do tt well for prelims too, thought he's some nerd =x aiya but he's frm hc so cannot compare. -shrugs- triple sci student, can keep 4 sub means will do not bad rite? Dug abit of info abt hc, guess wad, they end lessons the same time as us 17th muahahahaha.. n they're having their prom at the shangri la, he's enlistment is on Jan 10th. Useless info actuallie... Went our seperate ways at the traffic light, said i was gonna take a bus, he looked quite shocked haha woops. I think his qns earlier was "was i gonna take the mrt?"

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Once again i've been ticked off by lib staff at yishun lib for studying in the library. I dun feaking care u hear me?! To me, a library is a place to study. The weird thing was, i was actuallie reading a library book(translation of the koran, interesting.) when she approached me, just because i was sitting on the floor n my papers were on the chair. She went on to say tt some library users complain tt there r not enuff seats blah blah blah. Is it my fault tt the lib is so teeny weeny? Is it my fault tt there's not enuff seats? I'm occupying the space of one person. Person: sits on chair, legs on floor. Me: butt on floor, hands on chair. I make sure tt i dun obstruct the passage way, so what's the bloody problem. *frowns* This time i made it a pt to gif my 2 cents worth, no more apologetic nodding of head. Don't worry, i didn't make a big hooha, i just told her straight in the face tt i see no difference if i sit on the chair n if i sit on the floor, den i went back to reading the bk once she walked away. bbl.

Friday, October 03, 2003

So, i got another paper back wif lousy results. I think i was visibly disappointed when i got it back. I think someone tried to cheer me up by doing something, which was not very nice so i shan't mention it. But i thank u for ur effort, it did lighten my anguish a lil' *devious grin* ah well... Nothing vanilla ice-cream and loads of luffter can't cure. In spite of the shortened timetable, the days r getting draggy. Doesn't help wif crap lectures and mock scheduled after sch. It's ironic tt it's we've the shortened time table yet we're ending later. But, later, earlier makes no difference, i'd rather we're allowed to stay at home to do our own study. All in favour say 'Aye'. Aiye.... typical s'poreans? We lament n complain and in the end we know we can do nth to change the fact n we follow through it. I say the j2s stage a non-violent protest where we'll haf a sit-out(on nice comfy sleeping bags) cum hunger-strike(wif proper water bottles-strictly no recycled pink dolphins or evians, and notes at hand, who says we haf to compromise on As ya?) at the aj sq n we'll refuse to budge until they allow us to stay home to study. Y aj sq? cos we'll b in close proximity to the canteen and we'll prove our resolve by resisting the smell of food wafting frm the canteen and we'll also impede morning assembly routine by refusing lift our butts off the grd to sing the national anthem, boy will the j1s b trilled. We'd carry banners painted in red paint tt read "Free us now!!" We could even push for subsidies to the subsequent printed practice papers. (They're absolutely burning a big hole in my pocket) And once again we'd make headlines in The Newpaper. muaahaha.. gd? Or, (There must always b an EITHER n OR just like maths n chem paper) we could all just boycott sch n stay home to study. Nobody is gonna follow this shit, n i hope i won't b pin-pointed as the mastermind if this reallie becomes a reality (which is close to impossible). I shall haf to practice this line just in case tt happens. -waves hand frantically- "Not me, not me!!"
The more i type, the more ludicrous it gets. The scary thing is i actuallie enjoyed fabricating this stuff. Oh no. i'm starting to sound like mr wee.