Thursday, April 29, 2004
A bad day just like yesterday, seems like it's here to stay. argh.I have to wake up early tmr.
I have to wake up early tmr.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
The Reason - HoobastankI'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
awww so sweeeet...
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Last day. Last days always make me feel sad. Gonna miss Rohaya, Judy, Salmah, PH, Mr Malai, Tommy, Ms Rani, Sarah, the HODs, the teachers, the kids tt call me "Auntie!"Weird tt i've gotten used to the environment, the people, n believe me their lovely people n yet i want to go. I dunno y, but i feel like going. I do things on impulse n something tells me to leave.
Got a box of roche frm the 3 lovely ladies. When i read the msg on the wrapping n opened it up on the bus i felt reluctant to leave them. bleah.
It's ok, i haf time to do my stuff now. (C.F prev) muaahaha.
Concert concert coming up. I dun want it to come so soon actuallie, i'm enjoyin the pracs too much.
Now now, what shld i do tmr?
Monday, April 26, 2004
Slump period. Things to accomplish after Tues.1. Book trip
2. Watch movie!
3. Learn Bio
4. Finish 'Sense & Sensibility' (charm, the 1st part dun make sense!)
5. Finish x-stitch
6. Figure out PDA
7. Drive
8. Learn a skill
9. Clear my table
10. Clear my room
11. Finish 'LOTR'
12. Comm svc (??)
13. catch up wif pple
14. Sleep early, wake up early
15. Brush up on faith
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Feels weird. MIA again, reminise of the "gd ol' days". As always, I really do wonder but i dun think i'd find out.Back. so wad? gone again.
Been having seriously perculiar dreams of late. Dreams where i wake up crying n den i'll go back to sleep again to rid myself of the sadness. It can't b stress cos there's nth to b stressed abt. N my dreams r reallie far fetched n won't happen in a gazillion yrs. So tts gd news for me.
Y the resemblance? Maybe i haf to accept the fact tt dustbins attract hseflies. hseflies wif hearts of gold. yada yada blab blab.
Feels empty. clank clank.
Tuesday...
Jk mentioned 'spirit wings' today, said she'd b reminded of me when she hears it. How queer is tt.
Went all the way down to wrk today to find tt it wasn't my shift. Yay! byebye. Went home to get CO file n headed for CO. Yes yes, i'm blur. Rohaya told me to 'just wrk la', dun want, i'd rather not. =P Met 'savage' on the bus, muahaha... so happy to see her. I like coincidental meetings, feels as though u're fated to meet.
Prac was as usual. Love me jnrs muaahha... Though they made me wait till 5 to haf lunch -_-. Got invited to join LOTS (left-on-the-shelf) club. erm ok... Heard they're gonna print a t-shirt. sounds nice.
Met dot n jamie for ITE talentime at SP. The place looks grand but the sound system reallie sucks. The hosts were bleah. The crowd was worse. Kept shouting, n gesticulating, according to jamie, 'I love u' hand signals. u noe the mat rocker style? Tried them out meself. cool sia, jus tt I look damn ridiculous. Got blasted wif bands playing might i say trashy stuff even the guest performers 'Pug Jelly' (wad kinda jelly is tt?!?!) weren't tt swell, 2 grp of singers tt go horribly out of tune, key, rhythm, beat... I tried to figure out the lyrics of raps and all i hear is 'yolomofushakalaka uh huh uhhuh'. But it wasn't all bad, some of the singers were great n the dance choreography was great. ah well..........................................
hurry hurry, says he.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Spirit WingsSome birds live in cages, they neva learn to fly
And like those birds i'd neva found my wings.
But Lord your love released me, so i can see the sky
And now my heart rejoices as i sing...
Refrain:
Spirit wings, you lift me over all the earthbound things
and like a bird my heart is flying free..
I'm soaring on the song, your spirit brings
Oh Lord of all (oh Lord of all)
you let me see (you let me see)
the vision of (the vision of)
your majesty (your majesty)
You lift me up, N carried me on your spirit wings.
When i'm feeling lonely, I just look up to u
And soon my heart be soaring high above
Everything is clearer from your pt of view
Lifted up on spirit wings of love...
(Refrain)
One of my fav hymns. Came out of nowhere, been so long since i last sang it.
U were always on my mind, u were always on my mind.
duan zhan de xin fu shi man bu cuo.
I hate to do shelving!!! Especially if pesky kids just mess the books up once u're done wif it.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
I felt a wave of sadness. It was so strong n i was close to tears, but i couldn't. Not in front of my parents... xin you sui le.The First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow
I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst
I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worse
Heard this in R's car yesterday. Neva reallie took note of the lyrics. She's such a hip mum she actuallie tunes in to 98.7fm and she could identify Hilary Duff's song 'Come Clean'. Woah~ Maybe she's not tt old.. hmm early 30s? i dunno she's just so cute! But her driving is kinda scary. Hit the curb, switched lanes at the last min, swerve precariously n den she asked me "here can U-turn or not?". 'I dun think so', I replied but it was more of a I-dunoe-so but 'No' is betta than a 'Yes' rite? She got her license last yr so guess she can b pardoned for her not so safe driving. When will it b my turn to get a license? However i realie wondered how she passed. Took me on a "tour" ard amk. cos she dinnoe the way. N i had to rougly guide her n i'm lousy wif direction even wif the street directory in hand. I stared n stared at the bk. In the end i still had to base on my memory to locate AMK ITE. K la i'm lousy.
Running nose... Run Run Run away.
Witnessed a terribly funnie spectable of adults each trying to govern a situation. In the end everyone seems to think their suggestion is the best n everyone voices out their opinions making the scenario a chaotic one. I'm not saying tt providing suggestions is a bad thing, it's just tt everybody gifs their own view n no one gifs due respect to the person in charge of the whole scene. In the very first place, clear orders were already given out on how the activity shld b carried out but everyone starts to provide their input on their ideal way of doing it. In the end the decision lies in the person who has the most sceniority in terms of position (or shld i say the person tt speaks the loudest) n not in the one tts in charge of the activity. Goes to show tt if there're too many leaders n no followers, nth gets done. I felt like a silent spectator, like always, dunno whether to laugh or not to laugh. It was kinda hilarious when after they settled on how to do stuff, each of them sorta repeated the instructions over n over again as if they were coming up wif the instructions. A: "Let's do this this this..", B: "Oh.. no y not we do this this this", C: "I tell u what, we do this this this den this this". In the end all the 'this this this' is the same i see no purpose in rephrasing it in so many diff ways.
My predisposed dislike for a certain person is heightened after this incident. Instincts right again.
The dinner was alright i guess... At least i had my colleagues to accompany me. Still abit awkward wif the PH but nvm. One week plus of lib shit n i'm free. Teachers r reallie havoc i tell u.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
i'm still awake. boo. ah... i hate myself. stupid stupid stupid.wad is this weird feeling...
Y do kids like to act all mopy n 'adultish'? Getting back to innocence is impossible n yet they wanna grow up real quick. The veri fact of acting adultish further depicts the childishness of believing tt imitating furrowed brows and having the notion tt "i've lots to ponder" equates to being "grown-up" thinking abt "grown-up" stuff. This is my cynism at work again. Maybe they're reallie kids wif an accelerated mental maturity.
Today isn't exactly a gd day. My nose is still stuck. The interview was shit. Say byebye to comm studies. nvm wo bu nan guo. just tt i neva felt so stupid in an interview before. Had a tiff. The few things tt went well was tt i was wif melissa today~ Haven't seen her in a while. =) Nice call tt woke me frm my slumber now i can't get back to zzz. ah.. i haf to wake up at 6+ for the stupid sports day thing. bleah. N i'm bored n hungry.
Somehow i feel a lil uneasy. There's something not done yet or something not fulfilled n i haf no inkling as to wad tt might b.
Friday, April 16, 2004
As predicted i didn't make use of the day. Last min work again. I've no time to do ample preperation so i guess this is it. Time to sleep.Today i realise tt i get agitated n worried over minute challenges. N once i allow frustration to get to me i'd snap at anyone who tries to come near although it's times like this when i need support the most. But i think i can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. I'll just say a few more times n it'll b fine. Sometimes i step out n i find tt there's nth to b worried abt it's simple. Just gotta get it over n done wif dun consider so much. Haf a lil faith in my abilities n try my luck. I'm not tt unlucky rite? rite? ok wrong.
Hem Hem ho ho. I can't provide assurance n comfort cos I dun want to gif promises tt i might break. I know they're needed n they're easy words to say but i'll always myself frm saying them. I would haf meant every word of it. Yet, if things dun turn out they way u're told, it's sad to think tt wads been said to u were just words to make u feel better probably hold no value. It's painful to believe in a fallacy.
Not today. Just me n the tv. Someone did try to brighten the day. I'm sorry, it's unfair to u. U'll get overlooked.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Here i am now. Supposed to b wrking but i din go. Told them i wasn't feeling well, which isn't totally untrue. I am not feeling my best. My eyes hurt n my nose feels stuffed up. I can't believe i let it get to me again. Feels lousy. N i feel bad, so unethical to miss wrk but i feel selfish today. It won't make a difference reallie with or w/o me. Dun care dun care. must psycho myself to make me feel better.At least i got the day to settle my stuff for tmr, i shld make full use of it. bah. I feel abit scared. Pls make full use of ur day u idiot.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I'm not at my best of moods now. Just snapped at my parents. grrr... I hate the thought of interviews. N i'm procrastinating yet again. Something tts trivial can b so irksome. I dun wanna wrk anymore.Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe tmr? At least there's today.
Monday, April 12, 2004
Again again~ Still normal. Abit awkward at times but still nice.Sunday, April 11, 2004
Happy Easter!Went for Easter Vigil mass a while ago. Felt different. I felt more aware of wads going on. When i was a kid, i only remembered Easter Vigil as a mass where we turn of the lights n get to carry candles. Being brought up in a religion i tend to take all the ceremonies n rituals for granted. I neva reallie qnsed why. I just followed wad i was instructed to. Is this blind faith? Each day i learn something new abt it. N it only gets betta. It feels gd to b able to share wad i've learnt, maybe i know a lil something afterall, but i dun think i would return to teaching yet, not now anyway. Transition period. State of limbo, a comfort zone for me i guess.
It wasn't the same. There was no euphoria, no anticipation, no palpitating heart. Just normal. Normal isn't bad. Normal isn't gd. Normal is normal. One step at a time ya?
Friday, April 09, 2004
you zou le...wo bu nan guo
you zhan zai ni jia de men kou wo men chong fu cheng mo
zhe yang dan fang mian de shou hou, hai neng duo jiu?
zong yu ni kai kou xiang wo su shuo ta you duo wen rou
shui ran ni hai wo zhe wo de shou, dan wo yi bu zai ni xin zhong
wo zhen de dong ni bu shi xi xin yan jiu,
shi wo mei you pei zai ni shen biang dang ni ji mo shi hou
bie zai kan zhe wo shuo zhe ni ai guo bie tai shang tong
wo bu nang guo zhe bu suan shen me
zhi shi wei shen me yan lei hui liu wo ye bu dong
jiu rang wo zou rang wo kai shi xiang shou zi you
hui yi hen duo ni de yin zi ye hui cong man wo sheng huo
wo bing bu nuo ruo ni bi shui dou dong
shui ran ji mo, zhe hui shi wo zui hou de kuan rong.
hui lai le~ *grins*
Monday, April 05, 2004
My eyes r so tired. But i'm glad i went for co prac after wrk! = ) i love me jnrs! They make me happy. So tired. so tired...When will u b back?
Palms beating green
1. Palms beating green abv the donkey's head,
And brilliant cloaks a carpet to his hooves;
"Hosanna to the king of Israel,
To David's Son who rides in God's great name!"
Refrain:
Christ raised on nails, endured the dark of death,
N God has lifted him above the sun.
2. His love-feast done, he walked wif loneliness:
The 3 asleep beneath the olive trees,
The weak n boastful frens, the traitor's kiss.
Arrest by nite, n servants' spiteful blows.
3. "I will set free ur King for Passover."
- "Give us Barabbas! Take this man away!"
"What of your King, the King of Israel?"
- "The cross! The cross! Away n nail him up!"
4. No honour giv'n this King but ridicule,
For royal robe the scarlet rage of shame,
Mock genuflections - "Hail, O King of Jews!"
The Roman scorn, the fish, the crown of blood.
5. The soldiers curse, the rattling dice decide,
The hammers batter home, the cross is raised,
The placard's irony proclaims his crime,
The wind of doom goes whistling by the skulls.
6. Set round by hunters, driven, cornered, staked,
The dying lion roars, and, at tt cry,
The earth is ripped, a storm of darkness breaks
And leaves the mourning sun a blackened lamp.
I miss having tt someone to ask me abt wrk everyday. No matter how trivial i could just blab abt it n i wouldn't run out of things to blab abt. I'd feel like a child sharing an interesting incident wif his playmate "u noe today my tcher gave me a sticker cos i did my hw." It's just different for someone else to ask me abt wrk i would just reply "It was fine, thank u." Hmm... I gotta get used to a person b4 i start to talk.
Talking is one thing, talking abt stuff tts close to the heart is another. But i guess wads close to the heart is a matter of perspective. Talking abt my day n my frens might seems like trivial boring shit but it matters to me. I believe the little things in life, the little events tt pple bring up tell alot abt a person. Everyday there's bound to b something interesting tt happens or something tt crosses my mind n sharing wif someone b4 it slips my mind beats writing it down/typing it here. kinda like sharing ur life.
The thing is, gotta b careful wif conversations. It's meant to b a 2 way thing, so if i find tt if it's only 'one-way traffic' den there's gotta b a problem somewhere. Dun wanna keep talking n talking n find out tt the person is not interested to begin wif in the first place. It's unfair to the person who's taking it n it's a waste of my effort. I dun want someone to patronise me n i dun want to patronise. It's exhausting. To find tt someone wif the so called same 'wavelength', someone who understands y i find particular incidents worth mentioning, to find tt someone i can share wif is difficult.
Everyone wants to b heard. No one wants to listen.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
hm hm. packed day. I dun schedule too many activities in a day the most 2. But today had 4, but in the end decided cancelled one, the most impt one. =( By activities i would refer to the grp of pple i'm wif, if the grp of pple change means it's another activity. So today was wrk, movies, band concert.Got teased by colleagues at wrk. Everytime i get teased i wouldn't b able to come up wif a gd come back line, it's like the mind just goes blank. Smile, afterall i provide some form of entertainment. Shld wrk on tt.
Watched 'twisted' at j8. ok. All i can say is there's a twist at the end but i already anticipated the twist so no fun. Doesn't help if some parts of the movie do not fit n deserve the snip. Did i just rhyme? Being chauffered ard is gd. Which reminds me, my father's been bugging me wif the "when r u gonna learn driving?" qns again, only now it's changed to "when r u gonna quit ur job?" cos i've been telling him, wrking no time for broom broom lessons.
Band concert was ok. Ij tp band so-so la. Rather I was impressed by the 2 girls frm their choir who guest performed. they did a beautiful rendition of 'When you believe' by mariah carey n whitney housten. Melodic i tell u. One of them sang 'Wishes do come true' for the encore piece. nice. I would consider going for their choir concert if they haf one. heh.
All throughout the concert had a nice storyteller who kindly provided me wif band info whether i want it or not. "My band this this this, my band tt tt tt, last time we played this this this, my solo part tt tt tt." In some ways yes.. it's nice to haf someone to provide me- co girl, wif info abt a concert band in general. But i'd rather not haf grandmother stories especially if i've heard most of them b4. Y issit tt i always get to hear repeated ah pek, ah gong stories frm pple. Issit veri hard to tell tt i'm not interested. I think it shows on my face, my replies r reduced to "oh, ya, ok, ic" n den it just becomes faint smiles. For the sake of being polite i grin n bear it n den it goes on n on n on. Maybe i shld just change the topic at any available opportunity. Is tt too subtle? Maybe i shld interrupt n just go *yawn* "so boring. Next." so rude. I've enuff of being patronising.
"...the things we do for 'love'..."
Show interest in stuff tt u dun normally like...
Try to understand...
Learn how to ride a bike...
Stay up late...
Wake up early...
Wait for appearance. ..
Wait for calls...
Wait for sms...
willingly
Thursday, April 01, 2004
*hops ard* happy!~ =Dyet sad...