Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I'm all ready for a lousy time ahead...Sunday, September 28, 2003
My feet hurts. ouch ouch ouch. This is wad happens when u walk n walk n walk. hai. I feel sleepy. I need Dopamine n phenylethylamine.I bought a blouse n a skirt tt only matches tt blouse n a pair of earrings. i just bought 2 pairs the other day n i'm doing it again. hai.
I dun like getting birthday pressies, not tt i dun like giving them, i just dunno wad to get. Especially if it is for a guy, so mah fan. Spent my day walking ard Bugis wif dot ended up getting a shirt for zy. He betta b able to fit into it, or i'll haf to travel all the way back to change the shirt. =/ zy, u a***, (or am i the a***? aiya i forgot.) u betta like tt shirt i tell u or else it'll b a waste of my day.
I went to east coast beach wif char, wenyi n xiaohan. Walked n walked n walked n walked, my feet hurt man. Got to walk barefooted in the water again. It doesn't feel the same anymore. The last time was 2mths ago wif jing n jk. I dun feel the same amazement of feeling the soft sand under my feet, the delight of having water n sand rush through my toes. The sound of waves lashing n the soft sea breeze. It's all gone. =`( You shldn't go back to a place u first thought was great, u'll b disappointed when u can't relive the memories. I dun think i'll go to ECP anymore, not this yr anyway, not until i forget tt feeling n go back once more to try again.
Tried waiting for a bus tt neva came. =/ stupid me. I acutallie forgot tt 853 takes an alternative route on weekends. i wanted 20mins, i would haf continued to wait like a dork if i didn't chance upon someone telling another tt 853 doesn't service the stop during public hols n weekends. Bless my lucky star. So i took 135, thought i'd take the bus to amk den take a train back. Passed by paya lebar mrt n changed my mind. Got off n took the train frm paya lebar instead. I suddenly felt like wondering ard, going wif the flow, act on impulse. haha. Took me 2hrs to get home.
In the Mrt frm Paya Lebar to City Hall, kinda evaesdropped on 2 guy's conversation. I think i made it too obvious becos i was looking so intently tt i think he noticed n twice he turned towards my direction i had to quickly divert my glance. I couldn't help it, it was too interesting n the sound waves just travelled towards my direction. N he knew i was listening yet he didn't lower his volume, so i listened. He was talking abt commercialism n materialism, n how these stuff were eroding children's minds and leading pple astray. He was real passionate n animated abt it, took out his hp to illustrate commercialism "do u knoe wads this all abt? Everyone is carrying it, even my sister wants it..." I just found it mighty amusing tt it's so ironic, if he's so against it, y the hell is he succumbing to it. He then asked his fren, "Know y i shaved my head? *touches his bald head* cos hair has become pple's identity, if it's neat pple classify u as being neat, if it's messy pple say u're unkempt, wad if i shave it bald den wad am i? We're being classified into so many different categories *proceeds to take out ic n pts to it* We're classified under diff race, diff gender, but ultimately we're all the same. If everyone were to shave their heads n their eyebrows we'll all look alike.. blah blah blah." Interesting rite. A load of bovine excretion I say, sounds like some holy man frm the mountains expressing his deepest disgust wif pple being absorbed in this transient secular world, i would b real convinced if he didn't contradict himself so much. The issues he mentions made sense and the way he put it across wasn't as simplistic as i summarized but i'm still a non-believer.
Did i mention i got a headache, must b the 2 stupid mock pracs in the morn, kinda fun but they just gif me headaches. Got all crazy at PS Spotlight. I just like touring Spotlight, i'm constantly facinated by all the bric-a-brac they sell. Headache's fault. Anyway, it was aggrevated on the bus on my way home. This pri kid kept crying. His cries weren't cries, they were more like whines. A constant up down rhythm which last note is dragged, sounded like a sick puppy abt to die, not tt i've eva heard one, i just can picture one doing producing the exact same sound. Thank gdness i cannot remember it anymore, i thought this incessant whining would b stuck in my head tonight. His mother kept trying to comfort him but he kept pushing her away and continued his irritating noise. He just kept going on n on n on n on like a duracell bunny. I really felt like going over n telling him to shut the *toot* up, embarassing himself, his mother n disturbing the peace. Ok i'm evil. hai... If i'm the parent i most probably warn him against making anymore noise or i'd gif him a gd spanking when i reach home. Perhaps what the mother did was best, ignore, let him cry all he wants. I haf no clue as to wad happened and maybe he has a perfectly justified reason to cry his lungs out. But i dun care, I'm having a headache. so shutup. I must b a strict parent next time, dun gif in to my child's whim n fancy, n dun pamper the child. But u neva know, maybe i'll get as soft as mush when the time comes.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Be Exalted O LordI will sing praises to thee, O Lord among the pple.
I will sing praises to thee among the nations.
For thy steadfast love is great, is great to the heavens.
And thy faithfulness, thy faithfulness to the clouds.
Be exalted O Lord, above the heavens,
Let thy glory b over all the earth.
Be exalted O Lord, above the heavens,
Let thy glory b over all the earth.
After 2 long weeks, a time for rest n relaxation. Perhaps a little pit stop, there's still 6 weeks of slogging to go. What some might call the last lap is one tt i can't afford to falter in. But what if i do? Den what? Life goes on my dear. Feels kinda weird not doing anything, can't reallie relax, cos at the back of my mind i know i'm supposed to b studying. I should take a break rite? Yes i shld and i will. Kinda aimless living, I dunno wad to do tmr. I'll take it as it comes? First things first, gotta buy fishies. 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming'.
I'm real glad to haf friends ard, they keep me alive and helped me to survive this arduous week. I'm grateful to dot who coached me for chem n accompanied me through the week, w/o her i think i would b sleeping at home when i shld b studying. Just saw my savage online, stewpid girl, din see her for so long. I really miss her and the silly singing 'concerts' we used to haf. She still neva fails to crack me up. It's amazing how there r some pple whom i do not meet for a long period of time but when we return to each other, it seems like we neva left each other b4.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Read it in some email thought it was quite apt given the current situation.Someone said... "Wallets are a lot like girls. You really have to take good
care of, because if you won't, something might happen"...
I know what he means. I just lost a wallet, and I just lost a girl. You know, it's the exact same thing.
One day, you just realize it's gone. You try to look for it everywhere, even going back to the places where you could have lost it.
You think, and you think hard, only to come upon a grim realization: it's really gone.
Of course, you can hold on to some hope. After all, there have been some very, very lucky (blessed?) people who get it back.
Perhaps you could become one of those people. You sit home and you hope that someone would call, and that you would get it back. But then, some time passes, and you realize that it's still gone, and you realize that it's time to let go.
The first few days, you turn to your friends for support. Some tell you you'll be ok, some tell you that it was your fault and that you should have been more careful, and some tell you about their own experiences. They give you all sorts of advice, none you haven't heard before.
You then go out to find a new wallet, only to realize that you don't really want a new one. You want the old one that you lost. No, you don't want all these better-looking wallets, you want yours, because of how comfortable it is, because of all the cards and pictures and other stuff in it.
You go out and carry on without a wallet, keeping your money in your pocket instead. You throw away stuff that you would have held on to if you had your old wallet. And then, finally, you find a new wallet you like and settle in.
You then start filling your new wallet, little by little. It still doesn't feel as comfortable as the old one, but it's getting there. Then you start putting in cards and pictures and other important stuff in the wallet. Soon enough, there's as much stuff in your new wallet as the old one. And then, after some time, you feel as comfortable with your new wallet. And then you realize that you've almost forgotten you ever had your old wallet. Sure, you still remember most of the stuff you lost on that wallet. But then again, you don't remember the feeling of hurt that you felt when you lost it. That's because that wallet you lost is no longer your wallet. You're no longer holding on. This new wallet you're holding, it has all the important cards and pictures and stuff that you need. This is your wallet.
And this time, you tell yourself, you're never losing this one.
Anyway, i got my wallet back.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
When u feel all troubled n messed up, sometimes u forget the pple ard u. The friends tt care, the friends tt get affected because of the brooding. When u come back n think abt it maybe u'll realise tt it isn't worth it, it isn't worth all the pain n suffering. It isn't worth their pain n suffering. Perhaps when u finally realise all this they'll b long gone.I wonder whether we're still friends, whether wad i said to u mattered, whether i matter at all. It's selfish to think this way, not now, not at this time, but i can't help it. I so much want to show my care n concern but i can't cos i think it won't help n i guess u won't need it. I'm sorry i sounded irritated but i reallie was n i won't hide it, i was disappointed. Disappointed by my own interpretation and inference of events, upset tt it can neva b like b4. I'm still wondering wad happened, how did it turn out this way? Yet, i guess i dun want to know, it might make me feel worse. I understand wad u mean by u're trying hard, cos i'm trying hard too, once in a while it bugs me at night, i can't sleep n crying doesn't help any longer. It just keeps me awake. I thought if i kept quiet abt it, it will go away someday, but it hasn't. Maybe it will but not yet. I don't understand y it happens, i wish it will stop. I'm sorry i didn't tell u when u asked. I didn't tell u tt it still hurts.
Friday, September 19, 2003
I wanted to blog yesterday but while getting to it, i got pissed off and when to sleep.Thank u to all the dearies who made yesterday a special day, my beloved 01 classmates, jedi, char, charm, wenyi, dot, jing, jk, mervyn, alex, kq, cuz. Oh yes, n Sn, she was last person i'd expect to recieve a msg at 12 in the morn. We were close, yet for some reason or other we drifted, i guess it was my fault. She did actuallie cross my mind briefly yesterday. It's quite sad ain't it. I was quite moved when i recieved her sms, she didn't forget this yr and she did forget the last. Maybe she placed a reminder on a phone ah? haha The fact tt she sent a msg was gd enuff for me =) Charm n char I'm sorry i din play the cd yesterday but i'll do it tonite b4 i got to sleep ya?
Yesterday wasn't particularly great because i lost my wallet. After the cake, i went to buy lunch, ate, returned the plate, sat down wif the girls, wh, xiuming to talk when mr wee came over, picked up bags headed out of sch. Before i stepped out of sch i realised something was amiss and i checked my bag n i couldn't find it. bohoo.. i searched the canteen, my bag, even the stall where i put my plate cos someone mentioned tt i might haf thrown my wallet togther wif the plate. The last place i saw it was in the canteen, such a short while n it's gone. I remember putting it in my bag before walking over to sit with them but i am not sure i put it into my bag or maybe i put it into someone else's bag. This is wad i call the first signs of ageing: memory loss. Actually i wasn't veri devastated abt the loss of my wallet, cos i know tt if it's meant to b gone, it's gone. I only haf my NETS card, hse key and cash in it, nth else impt was inside and i was moved by all who stayed back to help me look for it. Stef, lala, melissa, wh, yc, xiuming. I felt kinda bad holding all of u back, especially to xiuming, sorry u got caught by the op-amp(haha). You'll didn't reallie haf to stay back after tt but u'll still did. Tt was one of the best bdae pressies, knowing tt i haf gd friends who care. =`)
I headed to yishun lib after tt, i actuallie planned to go home n sleep but no key, no entrance. Thank u to Melissa, stef n dot for inviting me over to ur hse till my parents get home but i thought i shldn't impose after making all of u stay back for so long.
Took 800, sat one round, Mmm does bring back memories...
Maybe it was "predestined" for me to go to the lib, cos guess who i saw? Remember the free tuition i mentioned previously, (erm i was at bk n this mother approached me n asked me for help on how to answer the mcq qns frm her daughter's sci paper n i spent over 1/2hr going through all the qns) i met them again at the lib! n i thought i'd neva see them again wahaha... she actuallie remembered me, said i looked familiar. N she whipped out another paper n said if she could ask one more qns. *faint* Too bad i didn't knoe the answer to tt. Dot came over later to join me n accampanied me till it 7.
My father gave me that tone of voice when he asked me abt my wallet n stuff. I dinnoe wad was his prob, he sounded ok the first time i called him now he's like reprimanding me. I didn't mean to lose it wad, i dun leave my wallet lying ard often lor. I felt damn irritated den, n he had to call again to lecture me abt not locking the door tt morning b4 i left. Tt was when i shouted "i dun haf the key anymore, how am i supposed to lock the door the next time. yar la i'll remember" n i hung up. bleah. i felt veri terrible, cos now i'm in the wrong for shouting, n den i snapped at my mum too for asking abt the wallet again. haiya. i suck. i felt so guilty i went to my rm to cry. stupid stupid. Tt was one of the things tt made the day wrong but it's ok... It's fair tt i haf half day good n half day bad. =]
This morning while i was sleeping my father came over to talk to me, i think he said sorry n wished me happie belated bdae, i dunno, maybe he thought i was asleep, i was half awake, tt made me feel worse. I found tt he made another set of keys for me n left it on the table. aiye...
Saturday, September 13, 2003
I couldn't sleep last nite. I was reminded of wad Stef mentioned to us abt her insomnia. I hate it when trains of endless thoughts cloud the mind and refuse to stop rattling in my head. When pple tell me they've got insomnia, i tell them to count sheep or read a bk. Tt doesn't wrk. I played Bounce and got to the pathetic 3rd level only. I'm trying hard ok! I tried playing chess puzzle and becos i dunno how to play chess, I end up trying to move the pieces randomly. ho ho ho i actuallie got lucky a few times. One of these days I get someone to teach me how to play this intellectual sport. I can neva understand y it's considered a sport. Anyway, after draining 2 bars of batt at games i still couldn't sleep, n i wondered who could possibly b awake at such an ungodly hour. Sometimes at night when everyone is sleeping, i'd get a little lonely n becos normally pple would b asleep by den i rely on reading my smses to keep me company. =0)This week has been relatively slow. I'm not complaining. Seems like if u stay out long ur day lasts longer. hmm... I actuallie enjoyed this week.
I met an old friend. I met a new friend. I "found" a close fren. Perhaps i'll lose one, or rather i've already lost one, conservation of energy theory? U gain some, u lose some. It hurts but u can't reallie do much. I'll take things as they r.
How well will u know someone in the shortspan of 4 days? It's funnie how some pple click and some pple don't. Reminds me of a multipurpose zao ju, 3 ci huis rolled into one, which my sec4 chi tcher used to tell us and the whole class could memorise by hard. ta men shui ran ping shui xiang feng, dan yi jian ru gu, tan de shi fen tou qi.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Ai qing xuan ya –zhou jie lunni shuo wo xiang yi ge xiao hai, zong ai rang ni cai
wo shuo ni cai xiang ge xiao hai, zong yao wo shuo cai ming bai
You xie shi tai kuai, shi qu le deng dai, rang ai mei le qi tai
wo men de ai zhe me cai zi ran, mei yi qi dou tan bu lai, jiu yao li kai, jiu shuo bu yao ai
wo diao jin ai qing xuan yan, die tai shen pa bu chu lai,
xia jiang de shu du tai kuai lai bu ji ta shang wei lai
ni de ai fan fu pai hui da luan le hu xi jie pai
yao zhe me tao kai wo kong zhi bu lai
Wo diao jin ai qing xuan yan hui xiang qi ni de ke ai
sha sha de hai zai deng dai yi wei ni hai hui hui lai
ni de lian man man li kai, shi jian kuai jiang wo yan mai
xiao shi de tai kuai wo fu he bu lai
My inner child is one year old!
Everything is new to me. I like watching the world
go by around me, and I don't sweat the small
stuff--or the large stuff, either. Just so long
as I stay warm and safe and dry, life's pretty
good.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Everyday u learn a little, everyday u realise a little, it's whether u notice it or not. Today i realised alot, n i'm glad tt i did sooner not later. I knoe tt it wouldn't b a 180 degree overnite change but at least i can start wrking on letting it go bit by bit. Just like hydrogen gas when u add metal to acid. liberated. ok tts crap.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
4 more days to go...Sunday, September 07, 2003
Thank u charm, char n wenyi for the CD *beams*. Sorry tt i happen to b able to predict everything planned, party pooper rite? =P I'm reallie grateful for the effort put into it. You'll ah.. kept this behind my back for 2 whole mths?! tsk tsk. =) But nvm now i've got something to tickle my funnie bone every now n den.. heh. Ooo.. i'm so popular!! kidding.I'm learning to accept tt there r things tt r out of my league. I should just step back n learn to live with it.
bu shi jiu suan le, xiang le ye mei yong, mei jian jiu suan le, shi wang ye wu nai. bu shi ni de jiu bu shi ni de. hoho does this remind u of holland v?
dui bu qi bang bu shang mang. xin li hen nan shou dan mei ban fa. wo men shu yuan le ma? na ye nan guai.
Friday, September 05, 2003
L-O-V-E by Nat King ColeL is for the way u look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is veri veri extraordinary
E is even more than anyone tt u adore
n Love is more than i can give to u,
Love is more than just a game for 2.
2 in love can make it, take my heart n pls dun break it.
Love was made for me n u.
I had quite a gd time today. I found out someone doesn't zhen dui wo waahhahaha. ah well.
Gd luck to all for gp tmr... =)
Monday, September 01, 2003
Happie tcher's day to all tchers... I got 2 msgs frm 2 most unlikely pple wishing me happie tcher's day.I saw Rong Sheng the kid i helped for the reading prog. I heard him b4 i saw him. He was running ard wif his little fren, luffing n shouting at the top of his lungs. I've neva seen him like tt b4, he was always shy n quiet during the sessions. It's amazing how play brings out wonders in a kid. He's a lil taller, alot more talkative but still as adorable. Was trying to catch his attention so tt i could wave at him but he was too absorbed in play. It's only been a yr but I think he wouldn't remember me anyway =`( so i just looked on. Just another person tt touched my heart n passed me by. Some would haf heard of the lil incident *smile*. lalala~
I saw Kyriel wif her ma, she couldn't recognise me n it's only been 3 mths? *sigh* ok so much for being a tcher.
I think reading The hobbits and LOTR has a funny effect on me. I feel like going on advantures just like Bilbo baggins. Today i just felt like i had to get out of the house, it didn't matter where, it didn't matter whether i go alone, i just wanted to go out. The prob is i didn't know where to go to... Just had this lost feeling wished i could just hop on any bus and just let it take me ard. I prefer bus rides than mrt rides, perhaps i've mentioned it b4 but i feel like saying it again. One day i will hop onto a bus and let it take me frm terminal to terminal. Just me, myself and I. But i noe i won't b much of a wonderer, i'm too reliant on my lil comfort zone and resistant to changes. Afraid of the unknown. I sound like some old hag. bah.
Looking out, the passing lights, the many cars gone out of sight.
Like many people who come by, who leave w/o a word of bye.
I wonder how my life will b, w/o these pple beside me.
No more pangs of hurt or sorrow, or nites of dejected cries tmr.
Though i dread what it does to me.
It's only because they mean so much to me.