Contemplations: January 2004

Saturday, January 31, 2004

I'm so exhausted.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

zhen xiang da bai. To b or not to b tt is the qns.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Listening to random songs on my playlist, amazing how it automatically alternates between english n chinese songs, but the mood feels just right. nice nice, but maybe tts cos the songs i haf all haf the mellow feel. The holiday feels like no holiday... everyday is a holiday. N we all love holidays dun we?

I realised tt i haven't found anyone who shares my delight in pretending to b a tourist, going ard exploring the tourist destinations in singapore. Nobody seems to get fascinated at the relics in da temples, nobody bothers to read the lengthy paragraphs of words on plaques, nobody seems intrigued enuff to question the stories behind the sites. --" i must find tt someone to go exploring wif me.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Happy Chinese New yr everybody!~
So the new yr starts today, there is hope tt my new yr doesn't suck, cos it ain't started wohoo......

Sunday, January 18, 2004

I hate it when i get shouted at early in the morning. Once i step into the house i get hollered at. shit shit shit. I'm not deaf. I din take the bloody newspaper, how'd i know where u put it. My day has gone down the drain. If maybe u'd stop nagging me i'd get down to cleaning my rm. The more i hear it the more i dun feel like doing it. I feel like sleeping now. sleep the day away.

Friday, January 16, 2004

To have the essentials n yet still feel unhappy, tts wad it's all abt. I still dun feel rite physically, emotionally n mentally. Logically, i dun haf any immediate worries to fret abt everything is ey-okay yet, the feeling of being dissatisfied wif gdness-knows-what is ard. And hearing it being expressed by someone else gave me an all too familiar feeling. I totally could relate to n understand it, but like him i can't explain it.
The feeling of inadequacy is still there.

Today i got a my palm read by "palm-reader". He says, i've got a short concentration span, unable to focus, low self-confidence, gd vitality and high expectations of my partner. My, my, my ain't tt swell? It's rather accurate i guess. *stares hard at palms* I dinnoe there's so much stuff written on it.

Bottomline is i'm still sad, sad, sad, sad, sad abt nth.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

I got the student facilitator job, but i turned it down. Gd thing is i'm still employable! Bad thing is i'm still unemployed. Now maybe i shldn't haf done tt, cos some pple tell me it's a gd deal. I dunno. Hmm... Getting a job is easy, but getting a job u want ain't. I dun really know wad job i want reallie n i gave tt one a miss. hmm.............. aiye... nvm nvm. I think maybe it's me being afraid of wad wrking life is like, me being afraid to ask. argh. I know i dun want to stick to a job tt revolves ard children, i wanna try other avenues. But is a job still betta den no job? -_-a Pls guide me somewhere.

Listening to 'mi luo jiang' now. Maybe i miss playing CNY songs. I've been performing every yr since pri? kok kik kok kik. But i gave tt a pass this yr too, it's my loss.
I feel like i dun haf a strong opinion, a strong liking or a strong dislike and tt makes decision making difficult. To b able to compromise on anything issit good, i could wind up doing something i dun reallie like for yrs but because feel tt i can still cope wif it i'd stick to it n eventually make myself miserable. I watched 'anger management' today, maybe i'm like the protagonist in the show. Accumulated anger, or in my case, unhappiness would make me erupt one fine day. N i feel tt all this can b avoided if i'd make the right decision earlier on. But then again, there's no telling whether the decision is right till u've gone through wif it.
Leave something, someone or a situation if it makes u miserable, now is tt always the right decision?

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

This morning i got called down to Huamin pri for relief teaching, my first job assignment. *hops ard estatically*

Monday, January 12, 2004

It might b u by Stephen Bishop
Time... I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life...
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me...

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you...
All of my life...

Looking back as lovers go walking past...
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last

If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time...
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...
It's you..
It's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Each day i wonder, how can someone be childish in some areas n yet be so mature in others. Beguiling... had us all fooled. So is it this or is it that. But as the song goes, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone, i can see all obstacles in my way.", I hanker no more cos I understand and haf come to accept tt it was just me n my childish thinking. Maybe it's not childish, it's more of like a 'want' for the attention. Just a phase in growing up. Well, i found how to satisfy tt feeling by shifting the focus =P but now i'm well aware tt it's just a lil' fantasy tt i hold on in order to just experience the euphoria all over again. All gd fantasies will come to an end hahaha... How could i haf been so blinded by it? How could i have not seen n understood it earlier. At least i'm aware now, at least more aware than i was b4.

I believe in being positive n looking at the bright side of things, of humans. Nth happens without a reason, which we might probably learn of later in life. Everyone deserves a benefit of doubt. To always assume the positive explaination before moving on a negative one makes life more bearable and reduces conflict. If only i could bring myself to say wad i actually mean den it would make all these sound logical. These few days i've been feeling like shit. 2004 hasn't been great for me yet. Everything seems to b going the wrong direction.

The bouts of loneliness have become more frequent. Maybe i asked for them. Sometimes it makes me feel like crying out of nowhere. How could i feel lonely if pple are around? I believe it's more of a "y do i feel lonely if pple r ard?"

Saturday, January 10, 2004

http://www.colorgenics.com
some mood test. Freaking accurate i must say. Either tt or it's just my wild guessing.

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

Went to chinatown wif yz, xm, yc, n patrick yesterday. Squeezy squeezy... Lotsa people, angbaos, deco, food, i din get anything though. Funnie thing was we din see any tangerines. just pomelos n pumpkins. Nevertheless it was fun just squeezing our way through, well i thought it was fun i dunno abt them =P. The company was great actually. I enjoyed myself, dun think we'd eva get a chance to do it again with all of u enlisting n stuff. I'm gonna miss u'll bohoo. I betta get a job quick to occupy myself, cos nobody's gonna b online to accompany me anymore. hai.
Unemployment sucks u know. Almost everyone ard me, who can wrk, is wrking, I can't reallie understand y i can't get any jobs. Shit. It sucks when u try hard n dun succeed. The agony of waiting for a reply and disappointment in not getting any. ouch. demoralising. At least, i get to finish my cross stitch ya? sigh. Maybe i shld look at something else. Polish up my excel n word. Grr...
A certain someone seems to still b ignoring me. Oh well, dumb luck.

i wanna thank u, for giving me the best day of my life.
Oh.. just to b wif u, is gonna b the best day of my life.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

You are Sarah! You have been working at your office
for two years, seven months, three days, two
hours and have been in love with Karl for two
years, seven months, three days and an hour and
thirty minutes. You are falling in love, but
afraid to express it to the one you hold
feelings for.
Maybe you should ask him for a drink, and then
maybe after twenty minutes casually slip into
the conversation the fact that you love him
totally and would like to marry him and have
lots of sex and babies.

Which Love Actually Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Both sides now - Joni Mitchell
Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun,
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in the way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

This song is lovely. I really dunno anything at all.
New yr, a clean slate.