Saturday, November 30, 2002
I'm pretty emotionless today.. I dunno.. I feel numb.. Managed to get Wenyi's pressie. Hope she likes it but somehow i think we din put enough effort into getting the best one. =( Stewpid char... hhmmm hmm... cousin just called... weird.. i haven't spoken to her on the phone for years.. and i mean YEARS. I just saw her on Sunday but speaking on the phone is different. We weren't close. Ya we played together and stuff. She always bullied me leh.. big bully... Ah what to do.. i'm so easily bullied. Kindergarden also like tt... It's over.. i'm not gonna be bullied anymore... muahahaha... aiya wad am i typing... I'm feeling better now. After my cousin's call. We'll talk soon i hope. =0)Monday, November 25, 2002
Today i went to the airport to do some homework, took 858 there... Brrr.... It was sooo cold. Long bus journey from Yishun all the way to Changi. I could have taken the train but I like bus rides alot. A good time to sleep, study, read, ponder and observe. Pity i didn't see much today. Anyway the temperature there was even lower. I was freezing my butt off. Didn't complete much but i would as compared to what i would have done at home(nil) it's alot. I then took the mrt back.. guess what, it was freezing cold also..I had dinner at macs and also to select the songs for carolling.. it was freezing there too... what a cold day..Brr... bahahaha... nuts liao... aiye.. Oh today is my bros bdae.. i planned to get him the book but when i got to the only bookshop in northpoint the wonderful Popular (cos TIMES closed down) they told me it was out of stock. shucks. So i got him a little teeny cake instead.. I'll get the book when the stock arrives. =) I'm pretty hmm speechless.. aiye aiye aiye.. y? dunno. miss miss miss.Goodmorning everybody!~ Today's a wonderful day to clap your hands. 'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands' =) I feel joy, happiness , floaty(piao piao ran de gan jue). Happy happy happy happy...hippity hoppity...heh. Hmmm.. but will my 'stupid theory' old true? In case you did'nt know..(aiya what rubbish of cos you won't know, i only told one person abt it b4) my theory is that whenever there's an up, there would be a down meaning that whenever i feel 'On top of the world' i would face the 'Bottomless pit'. Not like i'm a worrywort or anything. It's just that this is my observation and so far it has been true. Let me relish in this bliss. I will think about such depressive stuff later ya? This is gonna be a short one.. I've got plenty of stuff to type. It's ok, there's always next time. (",) In the meantime... 'If you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it. If you're happy and you know you clap your hands!' *clap clap*
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Hello lo lo lo~ my neck aches.. argh.. Didn't sleep in the correct posture yesterday night. *note to myself: Sleep properly tonight* I 'ponned' cca today.. not that i purposely didn't wanna go. It's just that today i woke up and it was 9 already(it starts at 9), plus i was darn tired. So i thought, 'aiya forget it' and then i went back to sleep. The house phone rang, my handphone rang...couldn't be bothered. Nobody's gonna wake me up from my slumber. Besides my neck ached like mad, not gonna shift or i'd aggrevate it. Anyway, the next time i opened my eyes it was already 2pm. Wondered around aimlessly. Turned on the tele. Ey wad was i watching? I dun recall. I can't seem to sit through any television programmes anymore. Oh yes. I caught a glimpse of the next episode of 'Living wif Lydia', so funny!!!! I'm gonna watch it... ah.. bro's bdae coming soon. I think i'll get him 'Harry Potter Bk 3' wonder whether he'll read it. Blah blah.. i ate maggie mee for lunch, too lazy to go down to buy. And i went to church for mass. I wasn't really paying attention *guilty*, I was trying hard too but i kept drifting away..shucks. ah.. well.. after that had dinner, came back home, watched 'zhen qing', no i'm no avid fan. Just a sucker for this kinda shows. Now i'm online, sent some stuff, recieved a song. i think i'll go off now. Left with only 3hrs of internet time argh. Maybe i'll call him? aiya maybe not. I'll go read... aiya I'll just end up doing the same thing i do every night....no not try to take over the world good try though, i'd ZZZzzz....Thursday, November 21, 2002
ni zhen de hao ke ai. ni na zou ying de hua yu zhen rang wo xiang qi zi ji. ni hao xiang ge xiao hai zhen hui dou ren kai xin. dan ni de bei shang que shi na me shen. dui ren de shang gan que shi na me de liao jie. xie xie ni zai wo shang xin shi gei wo de gu li. dan wo jue de wu fa jian qing ni de tong ku gan dao hen shi bai. ni chang da ha qian, que shuo bu lei bu ken fang xia dian hua. qi shi wo gen bu xiang fang xia dian hua. ni de chu xian rang wo gan dao hen xin fu dan que you ling wo hen fan nao, ying wei hai pa ni hui bu jiu cheng wei pao ying. wo zhi dao ni yi ding hui li kai, mei ge ren dou hui de, wo jiu shi bu xi huan shen bian de ren li wo er qu. ni da ying wo bu zou hao ma? dang ran shi bu ke neng de shi. zhe zhong si xiang hao zi si, dan zhe shi zheng zhen de wo, zi si. ni zi bu guo shi peng you, yong yuan zi shi peng you, wo bu neng yao qiu ni liu xia."deng dai. wo sui shi sui di zai deng dai,
zuo ni gan qing shang de yi lai, wo mei you ren he de yi wen, zhe shi ai.
wo cai ni zao jiu xiang yao shuo ming bai
wo jue de zi ji hao shi bai, cong tian tang diao luo dao shen yuan duo wu nai
wo yuan yi gai bian (wat can i do)
cong xin zai lai yi bian (just gimme a chance)
wo wu fa zi shi pu tong peng you
gan qing yi na me shen jiao wo she me neng fang shou.
dang ni shuo I only wanna be your fren, zhuo ge peng you.
wo cai ni xin zhong zi shi just a fren bu shi qing ren
wo gan ji ni dui wo zhe yang de tan bai
tan wo gei ni de ai zhan shi shou bu hui lai so i bu neng zi shi be your fren.
I just can't be your fren."
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
I went to watch a chinese opera at Victoria Theatre yesterday so cultured right? *beams with pride* But I fell asleep between scene 4 and 5. hee. You can't blame me cause the chinese opera was in dialect(ironic), teochew to be precise. It was organised by some hokkien association(double irony). As most of you know, i don't speak teochew although i am one. They had the chinese subtitles projected at the left hand corner of the stage, and this auntie's head was blocking me so i had to constantly 'siam' to the left to read the subtitles and 'siam' to the right to look at the performance. A tiring task i must add because the stupid projector was faulty or something and kept flashing the previous slide or even worse, did'nt even flash the subtitles at all. After 3 scenes, i grew tired of the 'right, left, right, left' routine and proceeded to construct my own storyline which ended up quite hilarious... blah blah blah.. i gotta run... shoots bye~Sunday, November 17, 2002
Yesterday i went to watch a percussion concert at the Young Musicians' Society Audi. Oh and i went to a combined JC band concert yesterday but that's besides the point. Guess what, the soloist was a lady! So cool!~ She played the marimba using 4 mallets!! *stares wide eyed* but then again my friend told me that this is normal. Another said she saw one using 8 *wow*. Ah well, an eye-opener. It was good. I heard something beautiful. 'Even silence is music' Nice. I like it. Sometimes phone conversations end abruptly, silence... an awkward silence. I'm actually relishing the moment. heh. Certain things can't be said, to be able to sit in silence with another person and yet have a quiet understanding is magical 'it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word, you can light up the dark' but it does'nt really happen. People can't take silence. Like what the Chi AO summary conveyed, people feel insecure with silence. They just have to yak.Silence is golden, you know? ya ya don't tell me noise is gold.I'm listening to the song he sent 'The unfeeling kiss' nice~ peaceful, calm, serene... guitar piece. It was played in 'City of Angels' touching show. I don't like the ending though. I wonder how he is. *smiles* I'm off to my ah ma's place. *waves*
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
I'm so darnnnn pissed. Why do i have to tell what i really feel. Is it gonna help? Why are some people so thick! Maybe it's me i'm giving crap advice. I never give good advice. Why care, why bother, why does it make me wanna cry. crap crap crap. Here i'm giving someone a lashing and there i have to pretend that nothing is wrong and start joking... shit. Nobody knows. I'm good at this. Did giving a piece of my mind help, will it matter, was it right. I'm glad i'm not speaking on the phone, I might just scold the idiot. Maybe i'm the idiot. Misunderstood? How about alskjalskjfalskjf... bah. Forget it.Anyway the dinner sucked. No it wasn't really that bad, it's just that that classic eg. thingie happened again. I wasn't myself. I was uncertain, insercure rather. I hate this feeling!! argh. Why couldn't i think of anything much to say? Dang... it isn't that bad. I'm just in a foul mood. I'm sorry if i offended anyone. I'm pissed. It's not an excuse, i know.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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'Sunny day sweeping the clouds away. On my way to where the air is clean. Won't u tell me how to get how to get to sesame street.' Good Morning everybody. *big smile* I'm super happy. Why? *shrugs* Even though i was supposed to go do homework with my friend and she cancelled on me. hehe It's ok. I'm going out to dinner with my ex-classmates. Let's hope they don't cancel on me too. I'll come back to tell all of you about it! (I hope) 'lalalala lalalala elmo song'
My family is back. My brother bought a teddy bear with his OWN money for me. Sweet rite? Of course. 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother' Most of the time he's darn irritating but it's times like this that makes me melt. sheeeesh. Why are siblings so irksome. Sometimes i really feel like strangling him,(figuratively speaking lah!) aiya.. but at the end of the day he's still family. The most i can do is shout/scream/diao/dao him. Aiya make me sound so bad. Guess i'm evil muahahahah...
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Life. Death. Life. Death.Death is so sudden. People dropping dead one by one. heh no lah exaggeration. I guess it's not a bad idea afterall to write short little notes for the ones you care just in case you leave suddenly. Notes that depict what you wanted to say and yet did not say as yet. But come to think of it, if you could write stuff you wanted to tell why not just say it out yourself. Tell them how much they mean to you. 'I just called to say i love you. I just called to say how much i care.' It's quite sad to only find out after someone is gone but this happens all the time. I'm rather afraid of people leaving me. Leaving be it leaving this world or leaving to break of the relationship that we have. Even the thought of it makes me wanna cry. If i were to leave i would want to say goodbye to everyone I know, maybe explains why i would only put down the phone if the other person on the other end of the line says 'goodbye'. I want to tell everyone the things that i haven't the courage to say. I wonder what it would be like if I were to pass on. I mean sure life goes on but would i have made a difference to anyone? I wish I would eventually. Remember me please? hahaha. It wouldn't matter really in the end. I wouldn't know if you did or didn't would I?
Oh well... 'Life is beautiful, beautiful to me.. and i feel so alive.' Ever stop to think about the flowers the trees? Ever wonder what makes life beautiful to you? To me, little acts of kindness, gentleness is beautiful. Small acts that might seem trivial actually says alot about the person. The initiative taken to say 'hi' to ask 'how are you today?' they all mean alot. Take time to observe, to find something beautiful every single day. You might then perhaps be filled with awe by the splendour of life. I know I am. Life worth living. 'Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away.'
Sunday, November 10, 2002
I'm awake so early. Sheeeesh. Someone get me something to do. Alone at home. My family members went to Genting. I don't like being alone but i choose to remain. Why? Cause i want to be alone.. ironic. When they're around i wish they won't here. When they're not here i wish they were here. Oh well 3 days of being alone. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder i wonder whether it's true, 4hrs since they left and still counting. Hmm... what should i do? *pace around house* I want to go out but there's no where to go, no one to go with. Argh.Last night i quarrelled with my papa. He came back at 2am and i was still on the phone. I got a nagging.
Pa: "Who are you talking to? Why so late?"
Me: "Joe."
Pa: "who? I'm serious who you talking to?"
Me: "Joe lah. You want you can talk to him lor."
And i passed him the phone. I'm nuts right but i must say i was pretty amused that i actually handed the phone over. So he told him not to call too late yada yada yada. I really can't stand it. What's wrong with me talking on the phone? Why must you always ask me who am i talking to? It's none of your business. I don't like to tell them who I'm talking to. They get all suspicious and stuff. I know they are concerned but i can't help feeling that they don't trust me. Please give me a little space. I'm not a bloody kid. I don't like telling you cause you always make fun of it. It's not funny lor. I don't find it funny. Since you like to make fun of it then forget it. I'd rather not tell you anything. So childish ya? I don't care.
Parents.. Sometimes they irritate the hell out of you. I get angry at them but more at myself. Cause I know they worry because they care. They nag because they're concerned so i shouldn't be angry at them. Ahhh.. it's my fault. shit.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
I'm so elated now...can't help smiling.. i wanna jump jump jump jump for joy. Why? Cause someone cares. ha! My friend msged me and i didn't reply (cause being the pig i am i was sleeping), and he called to make sure i was ok. So sweet rite? It's these little acts of concern and sincerity that moves me, not presents, not treats. (not that i would mind though =P) Sometimes we all long for people to tell us how important we are to them. Simple statements like "I miss you" leaves a tingly feeling in my tummy but it must be genuine lah. How to tell whether it's genuine? *shrugs* Gut feeling...heheh notice the play on words, you don't? Nevermind then.I don't believe i'm typing this for the world to see. *hides face* Darn paiseh...It's ok, i'm learning to open up. Learning to be more affectionate. The problem with Asians i guess. Being too conservative, hiding their emotions.. i don't want to be like that, i want to let others know when they matter to me. Is it better this way? I have absolutely no idea but i would prefer it to be.
The MBTI workshop today was cool~ Not really accurate for me though. The part on being an extrovert. I'm more of an introvert. But then again, it was a one point differential to becoming an introvert so maybe it's accurate. Bleah, I just contradicted myself. Like what the speaker said, i'm generally quiet but when i'm relaxed i can "hee hee ha ha" like i am an extrovert. However, once someone unfamiliar arrives(classic eg. today's trip to seoul garden) i pipe down alot. I'd rather sit and watch anything that's on the television although i'd rather go sleep, because my parents would start asking whether i'm ok and stuff watching the box would seem a more normal affair. I like to sleep alot, physical inactivity hehe... I sleep in hope of dreaming up pleasent dreams. Dreams that would leave me with a floating feeling and then i wouldn't want to get out of bed.(pig!) It's been quite sometime since i've had one of those. Anyone know how to induce dreams? Cause i really want that kind of feeling again. Ah.. I'm a Feeling person. hee. So don't tell me my handwriting's untidy because i might end up writing ABCs over and over again to please you. It's true, i like to please people. I don't want anyone to be angry at me. I'd rather be the one to take it all. That's another reason why i don't tell others my problems and anxieties, I don't want them to be worried because i'd also end up worrying about them being worried about me. hahaha. Silly me. yarlar yarlar i knoe. Enough for today. Time to lapse into the unconscious realm. I do hope i'd get my wish for a dream!
"Say nighty night and kiss me. Just hold me close and tell me you miss me. While i'm alone and blue as can be. Dream a lil' dream of me!" =)
Monday, November 04, 2002
Ah... my first bloggie.. bloggie, bloogie, blaggie.. sorry got carried away. I wonder how this works. I'm so IT-unsavvy, the only programmes i can say i know how to use are powerpt and word. Lousy eh? Oh yes i forgot. Happy Deepavali to all. My entries are all gonna be kinda disjointed (so brace yourselves) cause my mind is pretty much disjointed anyway.Joe says i think alot..no not you yz, it's another Joe. He's been the best thing in my life so far. *frowns* what are you all thinking huh(Casey Goh)? He's a great pal. Funny how someone you've never met can be someone you'd pour your heart out to. I guess it's easier for me. I've never been able to tell anyone so much. Afraid? embaressed? Shy? I dunno. Just weird i guess. Or maybe it's that i haven't the flair to express myself. I'm learning, I'm learning. I've never been good with people, no good at carrying out conversations, no good at making friends. I'm not a people person. Sure i make my friends laugh and all but then i believe that making them happy isn't all there is to it. I have to be able to comfort when they are sad. Say and do things to bring them joy. I have yet to find a friend that knows me well enough. Joe's close to that but i've got a bad feeling that it won't last like every other friendship. Not that we'll have some major argument or anyhing. I'm afraid we'll just drift away. Maybe that's why i dun confide in anybody. They'll leave me eventually. I don't like it. If they are not that close, i won't feel that hurt i guess... I'll continue some other time. I totally lost the momentum to continue.