My friends
Sometimes I'm treated like a substitute. A second option. The next available one. The opportunity cost. No.. tts not right, opportunity cost is supposed to b the next best thing. What makes it worse is when it's so obvious. Have the courtesy to make it less conspicuous pls. Msg me when u're pissed off with her, use me as the last resort. Hello? I can't be bothered to entertain you. I can't even believe u remembered my existence. Don't treat me like an information counter cos i'm not one. Don't ring the bell when u need me. I'm not a librarian. I'm sorry for the sarcasm in my tone or even abt my cynism in ur actions. I can't help it. I'm left with no choice. I'm too used to it. I'm so sick of it. Sure i may smile and say 'hi' but that will b as far as it goes, don't come close. To put up my hypocrisy and pretence is hard. One day i might just blast at u. It's so sad to think of each one of u. Too bad u all won't get to read this. Let's all b happy 'hi-bye' frens.
Here there everywhere
Here... making each day of the yr,
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny tt their's something there
There...running my hands through her hair
both of us thinking how good it can be
someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there
I want her everywhere and if she's beside me i know i need neva care
but to love her is to need her everywhere
knowing that love is to share, each one believing tt love neva dies
watching her eyes n hoping i'm always there
I will b there n everywhere
here there and everywhere.
Heh.. they shld rename the song "omnipresence". Anyway, lisa, sj, merv n i decided to skip the last chem lect today. Since we would only be going there to copy frm the slides, we figured we could do tt at home. Besides, I couldn't really catch all the previous lectures and it's all memory work. I might as well slowly figure them out myself. I was joking to lisa that i'm really suay, if i tried ponning i'd get caught at the first attempt n warned her against joining. Well guess wad, while we were all leaving the canteen we met Mrs Wong.(chem tcher) *pengs* We just walked away briskly and she didn't catch up after us. But she definately saw us. We're gonna get it tmr man. Talk abt suay. Me and my foul mouth. Bleah.. Sometimes i wonder whether there's such a thing as a gift to prophecise. hah.
Yesterday, we had sectionals wif huang shen. And he said i wasn't hitting the timpani loud enough... bohoo... I was worn out after the 3hr prac. I need to train my arm strength... I have 2 months. push-ups? logs? haha maybe i should just carry all my files+10yr series to sch everyday. When we were training for "long teng" in st nicks under zhang lao shi, the sectionals were quite "xiong". We'd get muscle aches, cuts, bruises after each practice. Nobody complained cos it was fun! We were neither greatly motivated to carry on by getting a gold for syf (or rather I wasn't motivated by it) nor were we tense at the practices. I was merely enjoying the practise sessions with ah bao, jocelyn, jing n jk.Stress improves performance? Really? I miss those times. I still haf jing n jk at practices but it's just not the same.
Nothing will eva b the same.
Running- No Doubt
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
Yep.. running is hard, be it in a literary sense(running 2.4km *pant pant*) or the figurative sense. Why do we haf to keep running? A more colloquial term would b to "pia". "Pia" to the next lesson venue(erm...we usually saunter), "pia" against time, "pia" in the so called "rat-race" and the all too familiar phrase "pia" tutorial. I'm not doing well in all aspects of running. I concluded that some pple just can't run, *pts to myself*. I feel so exhausted. Just today, i was on the bus talking to sj abt how the days past so quickly. One moment it's Monday and the next it's Friday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining that my weekdays r too short but why must my weekends b short too?? I can't seem to get all my tutorials down, it just keeps pouring like torrents of rain. (hmm.. bad analogy again, it hasn't been raining for quite a while) I constantly strive to finish one and the next comes even before I finish the existing one. The funny thing is i know of pple who actuallie manage to finish it all and still wonder what to do next. All i need is motivation? The coloured tape at the end of a race. All i do is procrastination. I'm still in search of that coloured tape tt perhaps will urge me to "pia" like mad. In the meantime, i'll continue to jog at my snail's pace. Anyone free to jog wif me?
I can't stand to fly, I'm not tt naive maybe i shld try flying.
Bleah~~ I'm damn pissed... Why are they playing this song on the radio! arhhhhh....
nobody said it was easy oh it's such a shame for us to part hai~ But i still went to dl it. =/
Later.
Sometimes i really wonder y i bother. Why i bother to find out. Why do i bother to look for something which i know won't b there. hmm.. to satisfy my curiosity? In hope that there'll b something new? Just like students constantly looking at the clock during tutorials in hope that the time for release comes. Though they know that just a few mins ago they just did the same thing. Ok. So the analogy thing doesn't work for me. Ms Goh is a bad influence huh. Why issit still so darn humid? Heat is radiating frm the walls!
College Day is tmr.. I SOOOO look forward to being the audience. See i even practised clapping. *claps in at 240 beats per min* I look forward to sitting in the air-conditioned audi~ Ahh.. i can imagine it. Then there's co prac.
wad am i playing wad am i playing?! *frowns* Lethargy is kicking in. I desprately need rejuvenation. The tiredness that last throughout the day, throughout the night, seems like it's the culmination of all the late nights and all the wrk. *yawns*
Don't u just luv wrking till u drop? U get too busy to ponder.
Soporiferous Day
Why is is so warm~ I'm tired. My eyes are gonna shut soon but i dun wanna sleep yet. cos when i open my eyes it'll b morning and it's another day of school again. I just wanna lie in bed... sleepy sleepy sleepy. I was counting down today. chem, physics, math, lect, civics, gp, talk, 6.30pm. The talk was by Prof Nathan on US and Iraq. It was kinda interesting. I was impressed by the speaker's vast vocab and the way his sentences just flow. I also found out during the Q&A session tt alot of aj students sound like articles out of Newsweek and Times. Not that it's bad, their knowledge and vocab was eye-opening, it's just tt the usage of words seem superfluous and unnatural.
I watched 'Lightyrs'. wooo...after missing so many episodes of it. I was trying hard to find any obvious indication that the characters filmed on ajc premises (an "AJ Ideas" poster or house boards perhaps). Ok, so i was bored. =Þ
I can't take it anymore. *yawn*
Irritated
Neva attempt to fix anything when u're irritated. I tried fixing my correction tape cos one of the coils slipped out. In the end more n more slipped out n i wind up with slingies the physics tcher uses to demonstrate logitudinal and transverse wave forms. Grr.. and b4 that i dropped my comb and one of the "tooth" (teeth of the comb, one of it shld b tooth rite? heh) came out. Ah... all because my right to watch zhen qin was taken away. sheeeesh. Just because u dun like me watching serialised shows "watch for what, you'll have to follow it, don't watch lah". I like serials ok! He just took the remote ctrl n changed the channel. Ah! Pissed. I was happily watching whilst doing mah physics n he had to distrupt it. This is not the first time. bleah. I've yet to speak to him and will not till this day is done. Call me petty, call me spoilt, i don't care i'm still gonna sulk away. This is not just about depriving me of the television, it's about dictating what i want to watch and i won't stand for it. This just made my blood pressure go up a notch, over a stupid programme. Now she nags me abt using the comp too often "keep using the computer, did u do ur wrk?" bah... shuddup. I'm going to sleep.
I am a chubby little kitten blob
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you? brought to you by Quizilla
I cheated on this one~ I just wanted this kitty.. cute!!~
Vincent
Starry starry night...paint ur palate blue n grey
Look out on a summers day with eyes tt melt the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hill, sketch the trees n daffodils.
Catch the breeze n winter chills n colours on a snowy linen land
Now i understand what u tried to say to me
How u suffered for ur sanity how u tried to set them free
they would not listen they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now
Starry starry night... flaming flowers tt brightly blaze
Swirling clouds n violet haze reflecting in vincent's eyes of china blue
Colours changing hue, morning fields of amber grey
Weathered faces lined and pained
R soothed beneathed the author's loving hand.
Now i understand, what u tried to say to me.
They did not listen they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now.
Starry starry night.
This song is so soothing... A tribute to the late Vincent Van Gogh. I think the lyrics are very cleverly done. It's as if it's painting a picture. Stella! Can be VA anthem neh *wink* I feel all arty-farty. (Did i mention i'm artisically-challenged?) I could just sit by those full length sliding doors with wispy curtains at the balcony and admire the scenery. I must have full length sliding doors wif wispy curtains in my future house! hehe. Oh yes.. and it must be located high above, i'm to used to living at the top floors. It would b nice if it overlooks the sea/vast plain/tiny hill. My view must preferably be not blocked. This is quite impossible but i would rather not look out my window to find that i'm looking into another house. (hmm.. tt would be interesting wouldn't it? Nothing to do, just look at pple in their houses, peering into another world.) The place must also be windy, seabreeze, landbreeze anything. So, any future real estate agents wanna take up the challenge?
Dot was upset today cos she din fair well for her 2 tests. Yes i felt really bad that she got all teary and i could only stay there n listen. Maybe i wasn't sympathetic enough but i seriously did not feel for the situation as failing is already part n parcel of my life. Failing for tests is the least of my worries, it happens all too often it's the last type of failure that i would b devastated abt. Sure i'd b upset, for a few mins perhaps. If i dun put effort into it, i won't b sad if i failed it would i? Obviously she did, but she said it was not enough cos cca is taking up alot of time. I wouldn't b so quick to pin the blame on it though. I'm not saying her allegations have no basis, yea, i agree it's taking up time but isn't it taking up ours too? I guess for her it's just one of those days where u foul up ur work. Don't sweat the small stuff dearies. Pick ya self up n start walking.
Pranks n mischief
I was in the CO storerm listening to 2 pple having a conversation on economics. "tt qns on interest rates is wrong, how can interest rates change blah blah not valid in Singapore" I had no idea what they were talking abt, but they sure sounded professional. Maybe not choosing econs was a bad choice. Not that i want to sound pro lah. It's like what they're discussing is relevant to what i would have to know sooner or later and i have no absolute clue as to what is going on now. Would i be as clueless 5yrs frm now?
Anyway, so we got into finals. Now a few pple wanna pull out cos of studies. But it's just 2 more mths! The orchestra won't b the same without the original members. bleah... We haf to train pple to replace those who want to leave. I hope they change their minds.
We had our 'qing gong yan' today... buffet~ eat eat take photos. It was quite fun. Naughty jk and me stuffed 2 leftover plasticbags filled with fried rice into zy's bag w/o his knowledge. When i heard frm another tt his bag cost 100 over bucks i felt damn guilty cos it was surely gonna stink up his bag. Then i was afraid he'd get angry but when he found out, he took it in his stride saying tt it's an old trick. heng ah. I think i'm not cut out for such pranks, my conscience would just devour me before the victim does.
The celebrations ended ard 9+ and jj realised that her wallet was with another fren. cos this fren played a prank on her by keeping her wallet but forgot to return it to her. So she had to go all the way to hougang to get it from her. Since i'm so nice muaahaha.. and since tmr is a hol, i decided to accompany her. Going home all alone is veri lonely u know especially in the dark. But i rather go home alone in the dark den go home alone in the morning, where there's peace n quiet and no pesky cyclist on pavements who ring their bells at you. It's a bloody pavement for walking not for cycling! Maybe i'm just sour that they're travelling faster on their wheels. Where was i? We took 854 home (wohoo i love bus rides!)and i reached home ard 11+. I like going home wif jj, she makes me happy wee~
Today was great u know.. It was.. It was really gd. I was happy. I was smiley in the morning. I was hysterical(in a gd sense) in the atfternoon. It was for no apparent reason. I just felt like luffing. I really miss the feeling. But i knew it won't last. It neva does. It was just a matter of when and what event that would take place that would send me to the pits. Why does it haf to be that? Something that made me feel like waking up every morning would now b the reason why i feel so terrible. I really was glad. why do u haf to break me? Or am i doing it to myself. I really hate this. argh. Y do i yearn for things that hurt so much.
"Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much and i haf to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold u till i die till we both break down n cry. I want to hold u till the fear in me subsides."
hoho.. i realised something.. my blogs r not titled! No wonder they seem to miss out on a little something. Then again it's quite bothersome to come up with a title. Lazy me. Today was math test. We'll skip tt part. I was sniffing away.. stupid nose, kept running, stupid throat, kept coughing. Thanks to the darlings who were concerned... I'm fine.
Went to amk wif wenyi n hs after the test. We were gonna meet the 2 Chars in the afternoon so we decided to go to amk library to read the time away. Guess wad? The lib was still closed. We den decided to head to amk central. All the shops were shut!! ah....great. Went for breakfast, hs left, shops were still shut. Walked ard aimlessly. Spotted a Guardian Pharmacy outlet which just opened. yay! Strolled in. strolled out. Next opened shop, accessory shop. Strolled in. Strolled out. Another accessory shop. Strolled in. Strolled out. Handicraft shop not opened yet. Strolled into yet another Guardian Pharmacy outlet near it. Strolled out. Bestway opened! Strolled in. strolled out. Walked to amk lib.
Nice n spacious place! Really looks bigger after the renovation. I still remember how it was b4 renovation cos it was sort of my pri sch hangout. On saturday, we'd go on down to amk lib to borrow goosebumps, sweetvalley high( i din read this), babysitters club(i din read this either). I still remember back then we were allowed to borrow 8 bks per card and my friends would bring their mama's card, their papa's card to sweep the contents off the shelves into their plastic bags. Talk abt being kiasu. I din do tt lor, reallie... back den i was too lazy to carry so many books home. Whatever for? I won't be able to read all of them anyway. Where was I? Read read read. Walked back to amk central to meet one char. Watched her eat lunch. Listen to her rattle on and on. Took a train to PS, walked through Istana Park, "Gd place to hanky panky" quoted frm Char. Walked ard PS cos charm wasn't there yet. The whole place looks different. Revamped? Or isn't that i haven't been there in a long while. Settled at foodcourt. Charm came, watched her eat... talked alot of crap. They talked alot of crap, i just interrupted whenever i wanted to. Reminded me of the gd 'ol days. =0) It was good. 2 yrs of being in the same class. We've known each other for 4 yrs! wow... 1/4 of our lifes? heh Seems short, yet it seems long. I enjoyed today's outing... congratulations if u managed to read through it the draggy, useless bits.
We got a GOLD for syf!!! hohoho... and we got into finals!! yay~ Actually, i don't really feel anything now. Before they announced i didn't feel anything no adrenaline rush just a slight hope that we'd get a gold. When they announced, everyone was screaming and cheering away(me included) and i did feel relieved and elated cause our many practices paid off.
More importantly, i feel relieved for the excos who put in much effort, especially the pres. He was the one that led everyone towards this inaugral achievement in ajco history. The many times he came early just to open the co rm door for us to place our instruments in the morn and also for self-practice after sch. His effort in going around borrowing instruments from other organisations, his pushing for extra practices-last yr dec hols, june hols, may day and for the rehersal at S'pore Conference hall(SCH) etc etc. I really think he did a great job as the pres for that i hold him in high esteem. I believe he played a rather big part in today's success.
All the way back frm SCH to the sch everyone was in high spirits and cheering in the bus and i felt abit out of it all. It felt as if i was watching a movie. I'm the audience. Looking at the people in the show celebrate. I noticed that in the midst of the celebrations, comments about how other schools suck or ccas which didn't do as well came into the picture. I took that as a pinch of arrogance just because we won. Coincidently, just the other night, a friend was telling me abt someone who was cocky just because his playing skills were superior to the others. It struck me that the scene i was witnessing would be entirely different if the results turned out otherwise. I shudder at the thought of curses and swears being hurled at the judges, sobbing, violence carried out on the instruments due to anger and even blaming another. I'm definately sure of the presence of sore losers and cocky winners and its sickens me. When one is bent on winning and accepting no other alternative, it drives one into selfish thinking and forgetting that playing in an orchestra is not just about winning. One might argue that if we're not set on winning then why should we participate in the competition. It gets worse when they want to win so that they can get recognition from the school. That's what I don't like abt competitions. Playing in an orchestra should be about working together to create beautiful music. Must a tag be put onto who deserves to be called first? Isn't music a product of creativity? Who's to say A's creativity is better than B's? Aiya life's like tt. Mmm.. i digressed. The bottomline is i didn't feel that happy over the whole thing, even if i did it was only for that brief moment when the results were announced. So perhaps i looked sullen and i didn't really feel the jubilation. =\
Now we have to prepare for the finals, so it's back to practices. I somehow felt that we won because of our hard work and practices since the majority have no prior background before they joined, when pitted against the other finalists who have players with years of experience we'd be at the losing end. Adding to that we have only 2 mths to learn the new song. Sure 2 mths might be enough to learn it but to perfect it that's another story. Ah well.. jia you all. Some good things are: a)experience b)new song! (same song for 2 yrs darn sian) c) we get to wear the costume again d) as my jr said it so happily: "yay~ one more day to miss lesson!!"
"U gave me strength to stand alone again to face the crowd, out on my own again. U put me high, high up on the pedastal so high i could almost see eternaty. u believed in me. u believed in me."
"U r my special angel through eternity. I'll haf my special angel here to watch over me. Here to watch over me."..Gold 90FM
When u're alone cos i'm away. Don't b sad, dun be afraid. I'm gonna turn my thoughts to u, like i always do. I'm gonna luv u till the end. I'm gonna b ur veri true fren. I wanna share ur ups n downs. I'm gonna b ard. Catch u when u fall, hold u when u're down. Sharing every moment, i wanna share it all, I do. I believe i found the miracle. I do. I'm gonna b ard-Michael learns to rock
How nice, how nice.(funny how my speech is riddled with repetitions) but tts the way uh-huh uh-huh i like it. ok now it sounds stupid.
What if I have only 7 more days to live, what do u want me to do as a friend to u.... whereva did that come from?
what if I can only spare u one day... (cos well, I do have PLENTY of friends....) I told her i like her to keep that day for her family. Weird rite? As if i dun want tt day. =) It's gd enuff for me to know that i was alloted a day in the first place. These kinda thoughts are too sad to contemplate. Let's not think of what would happen if one leaves but think of making every min worthwhile. These feeling kinda scares me. Perhaps i'd appear nonchalent till the end but please remember that i'm a living breathing human being with possibly great acting skills. Will i cry if u leave? Without a doubt.
4/5/03
Shape- Sugarbabes
I live my life in chains got my hands in chains
And I can't stick with the cards that I got with a deal
Like this I must insist that a girl's got more to do
Then be the way you think a woman should
I'm taking it into my own hands
In this man's land I can understand
Why I'm taking command
Had enough of stuff
And now it's time to think about me, me yeah
And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good
[Chorus]
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
I've always played it safe nothing's ever safe
Give me the courage to back my own convictions
Every decision I make I pay it back and more
Now turn the cards and let them fall to me
Cos I don't need to play on with the hand that they have given me
I'll give it back cos it's not the way it has to be
And you can easily gamble your life away
Second after second
And day by day
You play the game or you walk away
It's a new turn on a blue day
And a cool deal of life for me
And it's all good
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart..
Dun u just love this song.. it just repeats n repeats....
n u can easily gamble ur life way, second after second n day by day... the irony the irony... when u least expect it someone gets up to u n say Smile u're on candid camera.. no no.. just that when u thought it's time to move on it returns, just when u least expect it. Just like the common flu, it strikes when u least expect it. Not tt i dun want it, it'll probably just end the same way. You want it so badly but when it could happen u shun away from it. Just like u wish u can get an MC u'll haf to be sick in order to obtain one, n u dun want tt cos it sucks. All this doesn't make sense rite? heh of course it doesn't. Yet again i can't sleep.
I'm moving i'm coming can u hear wad i hear it's calling u my dear. out of reach. take me to my beach. I can hear it calling i'm coming i'm drowning swimming closer to u.
