What a crap day.
Apart frm visiting a quack doctor and arguing to get my money back and being told by your dentist you have receeding gums. Plus having to cancel something tts pre-planned due to poor response, all the effort go down the drain. And i'm still feeling under-the-weather. N knowing it's gonna get much worse. hoho
But, I'm ok.
Labels: Crappy
I can pretend or i can tell the world.
I'm feeling sickicksicksicksicksiskcisksicksicksicksiskciskciskskciskicks.
Under the weather. Very very very.
Don't come back again u evil thing.
If u feel happy u will be healthy.
I need a hug n a kiss and tuck into bed.Labels: Unloved.
Merry Christmas! =)
Learning humility. Let thy will be done.It sucks to be sick on christmas, i can't eat all my chocolates! poo.
I probably shldn't have done tt, jus one of those "i can't take it anymore" moments.
I have a cut, that doesn't seem to heal. I guess compared to other's wounds or injuries, the hurt is not deep.
Everytime i think it's starting to recover. Something happens and it becomes raw again. I think it's my fault that it doesn't heal. If I didn't expose myself to contact it would have healed.
I believe it boils down to my lack of resolve. But you know, it's so hard not to. And there are times when regret that if i was more careful I would have prevented it.
But some say it's not your fault, things happen.
Den why must they happen to me? Over n over again.
I don't want a scar. It's a stare in your face mark that i will carry for life. I have a heart. let it stop.
Your bithday is coming. I shouldn't be ruining it with all the negativity. I jus feel very empty and alone.
"the more you defend a lie, the angrier u get."
tears started to stream when i found out. i'm being lied to again, technically not, but non disclosure feels like it too. not tt i have any right to know. Don't tell me, don't let me find out. pls.
I'm glad for our little chat girl. N i'm honoured tt you confided it me. haha thanks for listening. You can overcome whatever obstacles tt come your way till you find the path you want ya? Follow ur heart. =)Talked abt plans for the future.
What age to get married? Children or no children? Grandchildren? Work? Car? why? what sort of partner you looked for. What u'd expected of your other half.Talked abt the past.
wad the family is like. What school life was like. What odd friends we knew. Talking about such things made me feel like a little girl, fantasizing about the future. Talking about the ideal life. I think being able to share such things gifs me a fuzzy feeling. If I were in a drama serial it would be bliss, but the reality of it is tt my life is nothing like it. So I'm just indulging in a fantasy within my fantasy.
I'd like to be the leading lady and not the best friend.I felt tt i knew a friend better today.
Although I knew I did more listening n luffing than sharing. It's alright. though i'd also wish someone would want to know me better too.
Just the other day, I was doing my business in the loo and i forgot to bring my book in to read (wad? some pple bring laptop in to msn ok! hehe) and my mind was left to wonder.
It all boils down to attitude and effort.
If I take the effort to say "hi", pple will return the greeting. If I make an effort to be genuinely interested, pple will be willing to hold a conversation. I find that some things I hear can and may become useful in the future. It might even be a "snapple-fact" that I could be passed to someone else for fun.
It's only when i chat with someone when I get to learn more about the person. Learn more abt what they do and what they like. N everyone has interesting facts that I discover as I get to know them better. It's similar to reading blogs, where i can slowly make out what the person is like. (for me, u all now know tt I read in the toilet, woops. I can read anything n everything when i'm in the loo, newspapers, books, notes 'cept ghost stories, that i try to avoid =x)
If I keep an open mind when I meet pple-who-are-rumoured-to-be-not-nice can turn out okae. But I acknowledge that I'm bias. So it takes tt extra effort.
I know it doesn't feel good to be excluded, so I try my best not to do that. Even if u're that way I think it's basic courtesy not to show it, cause it hurts pple. But u know the body lang sometimes betray a person.
On another note, I wished I could read minds. Then I wouldn't have to guess what pple are thinking. Then I would know what to do right to make everyone happy. But I wouldn't want anyone reading my filthy thots, paiseh.
The topic about minds brings me to the issue of internal consistency. The body does what the mind thinks or vice versa to bring balance in a person. In other words, if the body has to do something that is not in line with a person's values. Either, the body attempts to stop doing the action to be compatible wif it's values or, the person changes it's thinking to fit what the body has to do. I feel that sometimes i'm caught in the position of the latter.
I have to do things that put me in a spot. In order to please pple yet fulfill my so-called "obligations" to the choices that I did not make but haf to follow, I have to keep justifying myself to people. No doubt I welcome enquiries, it gives me insight to what has been missed or what needs to be done. I don't particularly enjoy justifying decisions that I myself object to and yet have to follow. I feel like i'm at the end of the finger that pts and say "aiyo, y u make such a decision?". N seriously, it doesn't feel very good.
On the other hand, I know that to make things work is not about creating an uprising, but rather to work round the however seemingly incredulous decisions that pple make, and try to make it work. So, I'm trying to keep my cool and think of how to go on from there, and not of what could have been done. Cos what should-be-done should be thought of before any action is taken.
I'm not perfect, and pple do make mistakes so bear/wrk wif me will ya?
I can't make everyone happy. Because at the end of the day, I'll be the most miserable one.
N i'll remind myself abt, say it wif me, poh-zee-tee-vee-tee, positivity.
now all i need are photos to complete the experience.
I look back n photos and videos, it makes me happy again. Even if I haf nth left, I can say I haf photos and videos to keep. They still manage to put a smile on my face or make me laugh. Some things I know i shldn't relive because inevitably it jus makes the yearnings more. I understand, so tts in check.BUT if my lappie dies *choy choy pui pui*, I think i will go kill myself or something. muahaha. well i need some photos to show my grandchildren/cats when I'm old n greying right?
The year is drawing to a close... I'm gonna bid my lousy year gdbye soon.
must. learn. something. new.
I dreamt of you again, one of those silly kiss n make up dreams. That i know will never happen. sigh.
I found it quite a surprise, a very pleasant one. Thank you for making my day.
Do you regret?
No, i don't. Maybe a little, jus tired. then I try to look at the good side of things. It's not tt bad. It could have been worse. I totally understand tt pple have to take sides no matter what. Naturally if you're closer u'd take ur friend's side. If I were u i'd prbably do the same thing. Tt said, it doesn't stop me from feeling a tinge of sadness. After those few yrs, we'll end up passing each other like acquaintances.I'm human only human.I'm hearing stuff that leaves me feeling more n more wu nai. Run. Run. There must be a reason y I would get wind of it, so that i can try to put in ur effort yes yes? Yes.
hang in there...
"I want you to know tt i won't be here forever. But until then, I'll be here waiting."
The familiar tightness and breathlessness ensued. Every deeper breath I took was like having my lungs squeezed tighter n tighter. Darkness covering my sight. Before this, I half-hoped it would take me. But everytime it happens, fear dominates.
I willed myself to cough. I read somewhere tt it forces more oxygen into the lungs. Don't know how true it is but anything goes. And since it wrked before it shld work again.
Then I felt the gentle breeze in my face telling me to keep on walking. I muttered a prayer. I finished the round and then i saw blue skies. It's not time yet.
I must do this again. Start from square one. If I don't stop i'd get there eventually right?
when u face rejection time and time again, what do u do?
dejected.
If u promised urself you won't do it again n yet u can't help urself, what do u do?
sigh.
If u're constantly stuck in this limbo, what do u do?
Run.
When u dunno who to turn to, what do u do?
hide.
If u need somewhere to go n can't find it, what do u do?
escape.
When will u wake up.I've lost it and i cannot get it back. where did u go? y haf u abandoned me.Poor Rosaline."I hate the person tt stares back at me in the mirror. The one tt reminds me of how pathetic I am. The one tt tells me how tainted I am."