The day you stop trying is the day we fall apart, because you're perfect and i'm not.
Because of this head that is filled with negativity, of inadequacy, of helplessness.
I don't wanna be alive. I just wanna die today.
Ain't nobody callin' my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine.
Because why am i always waiting. Because why am i aimless.
Because why is everything more important. Because why must i give in to everybody.
Because why can't i say what i really feel.
Hey. I'm here. Alive. Things are great.
Can't sleep. My nose is all stuffed up. My eyes are so tired. I cannot stop feeling this way. I promised myself I'll never let myself feel like that. It's hard. We all want to feel loved.
Don't feel like that now.
It's ok. I will love me even if no one else will. When I'm done here I'll promise to sleep. I have to. Long day ahead.
Hey it's me. I'm still here.
Funny how I need to return here to give me a snap shot of my past.
I can't seem to remember a lot of experiences. How I was damn 'haps' (happening). Doing stuff like going to the library, playing mahjong and baking cookies. Sad that friends drift apart. Sad that I can't recall the good times.
BUT. That's why this post is here. To tell me that I'm doing ok. If ever, I feel like I'm not ok i'll come here and read that I'm good.
I'm married to the best person in the world. I've got a cat. I am still healthy. (although I sit here typing, not at work cos I got the sniffles) I got my 5 senses. I'm still in my 20s. :P
I may feel inadequate, perhaps I always will. But God works in mysterious ways. Have faith. Time to do whatever damn thing I want, and first order of business is to take over the world. (I kid, that's my cat's job.)
I'm thankful for life. I want to remember that.
Just came back from Tokyo 7day F&E, I think this warrants a summary of itinerary before I forget everything.
Day 1 Sat - Rainy
Arrive at Narita, took Sky Express line to Ueno. Changed train to Asakusa. Bought an umbrealla, some noodles and takopachi while playing charades. Checked-in at Ryokan Asakusa Mikawaya Honten, the room was tiny but cosy, seemed like a one bedroom with adjoining toilet. Loved the tatami. Nice lady at the reception recommended a dinner place where we ate our first japanese style dinner. I had udon. yums. We could see the new tokyo skytree along the way to our hotel and we walked towards it and posed for some mandatory tourist shots.
Day 2 Sun - Sunny
Travelled to Imperial palace for our free palace cycling activity. I think i still kinda suck at cycling, but the roads cordoned off where so wide that I could do my swervy steering with minimal obstruction to traffic. If I may say so myself, I got pretty steady towards the end. It was so relaxing to be cycling along the well-manicured gardens with the wind blowing in my face and admiring the garden view. Afterwhich we took a walk along the palace perimeter, sharing the senbei from yesterdays flight and took some lying-on-the-grass-with-giant-bonzai shots. The next location was akihabara aka akiba to have lunch at the maid cafe curemaid. Honestly, i though it was nothing special, apart from the staff dressed as maids. Maybe we didn't know how to interact with them but it was alright as the food was palatable. We then moved on to the 100Yen shop, and walked along the streets of akiba. I was tempted to take some neoprints, but did not. At night we visited Ameyoko shopping street, where we tried taiyaki fish, bought alot of snacks and got our authentic jap watches! We got to eat our first butter ramen at aji no tokei dai, which was the ramen shop that I wanted to try in hokkaido during our earlier trip this year but missed. So happy that we chanced upon it.
Day 3 Mon - Cloudy
Woke up earlier to jog at the park, where I could see the skytree. I had to go alone cos somebody was too lazy to wake up. =.= It was so worth waking up early for, jogging in the cold was a first for me. I had the opportunity to also take many shots of the skytree and autumn leaves along the way. Checked-out from the ryokan and shopped along the street at sensoji askakusa kannon temple. Tried some traditional snacks, some good some not so good, and I bought some souvenirs. Travelled to Ikebukuro to check-in at sunshine city prince hotel, someobody called it sunshine 'pauper' hotel, because he was not satisfied with the air-conditioning. I had to agree, rather preferred the ryokan. As the online reviews said, this place is described as tried. Despite this, the location is very convenient, with all the shops available, the area is bustling throughout the day. On our way to Odaiba, we stopped at Kracie's headquarters to get some secret stuff. can't believe we made our way there, but let's just say it was a fruitful journey! Again, it's these little side things that made the trip interesting. We went to Toyota Mega Web but it was closed that day and the day after, which was kind of a bummer, cos it was why we were at Odaiba in the first place. I guess, the ride on the new Transit Yurikamome to odaiba on the fully automated train that uses tyres rather than the steel wheels with the view of the rainbow bridge and tokyo tower was a side plus to the journey. :)
Day 4 Tues - Sunny
We woke up late for our scheduled plans to see the tuna auctions at tsukiji market so we had breakfast at the hotel before heading there for lunch. Queued to eat salmon sashimi don, walked along the market and then bought some preserved strawberries along the way back. We had a good laugh at how the man packed them, he filled the plastic bag to the brim and then put a tape over the pack, which meant taping on some strawberries. Our eyes went like o.0 when we saw it. But the strawberries were good and well the tape had kawaii prints on them. We headed to shinjuku Gyoen National Garden to see the autumn trees. It was amazing how the park in the heart of a busy city felt so serene. The original plan was to have a picnic there then head to the meiji shrine at yoyogi park but since we started late we decided to skip it and go to a cat cafe instead. On our way there, we noticed a street lined with makeshift food stalls leading to a shrine, apparantly a shrine was having some celebration, so we made a detour into the area to view the festivities. The area was crowded with japanese, didn't really know what was going on but felt like we got a glimpse of their culture, plus it was a replacement for the meiji shrine we missed. Spent an hour at the Calico cat cafe. I really liked the atmosphere and undersood why people would pay to come here. I can see how it is theraputic, to just spend time watching the cats play, sleep and stare into space. Next we went to harajuku and spent much money at Daiso, even the random lady we met in the lift at daiso said so after looking at our basket :P. Walked to Oriental Bazaar which was closed by the time we reached. It was probably not worth the travel as it looked like a souvenir shop at chinatown. -.- Took the train to shibuya to watch the famous crossing from starbucks at the 2nd level. Then back to Shinjuku again to the Tokyo Metropolitan Gvt Building to see the night view. My legs were aching bad on the way to the last place, I blame the boots,nonetheless i managed to make it with some encouragement. It was a really long day.
to be con't...
I am confused. I know what is right, but still.
is it really right? will everyone be happy.
I shouldn't have to dwell on this. I shouldn't be affected.
I run and i run but still i can't shake it off. Is this a new test?
There is just something off. i always knew.
but why? what's wrong.
It's me. Fallible.
Labels: Evil, unsure
old draft i found. hahs.
I got into a hissy fit today, over something so trivial. Not that it was worth it. I just felt like it, it came as a good opportunity to let it all out.
Maybe it was the lack of food in my system.
I had an awful dream last night. A nice combi of my fear of heights and some other thing I did'nt like. And yes i threw a hissy fit in my dreams. I guess i just needed to get it out of my system.
At times i just wanna be alone in my bubble. But it's lonely in the bubble. It's such a mash of emotions and i just wanna scream at myself for wasting precious time.
So i watched some southpark to distract myself. still not good enough. wasted more time.
Maybe i'm being punished. sorry i really dunno why.
Is it time to move on already. It all seems so pointless. Tomorrow is the start of another week of stupidity.
Labels: Unloved., unsure
I had a wonderful weekend... it must have been the sand, the sea, the view and most of all the family. Even though most of the time we spent lazing in the pool, I believe the time spent together doing absolutely nothing is time well spent.
I'm looking forward to more of such trips, afterall you never know whether there will be a a next.
What's next?i don't know how I can say goodbye.
hai. this feeling sucks.
I'm quarter of a century old plus one day today. To recap on what a wonderful life i have I shall just throw random moments that make me feel blessed.
I've got my first pet recently, her name's bing pi cause she's white as snow (if you've seen snow it's not that white, so you will get the drift). She's cute... I always thot hamsters were smelly. Honestly, they are and cleaning the cage is such a hassle. But I'll do it anyway because she's my baby. Actually i want one to prep myself for a cat. The irony :)
Here's a photo of her:-
I wanted a MacD birthday party. But that didn't materialise. I wanted to go overseas, but that didn't materialise either. I wanted so many things that didn't materialise but it seems silly to want more despite having so many. sigh.
I went kite flying today with my family...I like spontaneous trips.
I'll spend some time doing what i wanna do tmr. I'll have to decide.
Forgiveness is the fragrance tt flowers emit when they are trampled upon.
Never realised that flowers were so amazing.
I wanna be like that. :)