Monday, October 18, 2021

Hello, It's me.

 Hello, it's me.

I took a break, a long one. I needed it. I am not sure whether i really needed it at times because many times i tell myself i do not deserve one. And by not being able to declare to many for fear of judgment and embarrassment i know i still largely feel that i do not deserve it. It's almost 7 months into it, so i needed a check-in.

Many time i tell myself that it is a fantastic opportunity don't squander it one sleep. The contradicting thing is the sleep is long but somehow the rest is not with the pain situation. Nevertheless, i am constantly reminded by people around me that i've got it good. And i hate that. It's makes me feel small and weak and incapable of going through tough times.

I am working hard in my own way. Perhaps not as hard as others would deign to imagine,  but Fuck you others.

Health

Anywho, i am a "pro" cyclist now. My definition of pro is being confident enough to cycle on my own, to squeeze with an oncoming cyclist on the narrow pedestrian path, and to get to places around my home. My acquired scars from my many falls are proof of my determination. Plus i am saving money and putting in exercise while i am at it.

On the pain front, i am still experimenting with various sleeping and correcting my sitting-at-the-computer positions. I've identified these two as the source of my pain. It is sad because i can't recover from sleep and i cannot work if i cannot sit for long. I stopped my acupuncture/cupping sessions not because of the rising COVID cases, and that i think they only provide a momentarily respite that should save for bad days. Also, i have to correct the root of the problem and this was not it. I have been putting more hours exercising to get stronger, and perhaps be lighter to reduce pressure on the joints. I love love love doing pilates, when the new school near my house was set up i told myself that i would like to join but by the time i was done with work there was no class to contend with. These period has allowed me to do that and i am so pleased. Writing this i realised that this is the activity i desired and have completed and will try to keep doing.

My next endeavor is to incorporate more plant based meals in a bit to reduce inflammation. I am cooking my own meals as much as i can and this means i am in-charge of what i put in my body.  Someone who is facing a little health crisis of her own told me that she is walking 1 hour everyday in the morning at 7am. My heart broke when i hear of what she is going through and I felt instantly ashamed that i am not doing as much and as hard. My aim is to run again, but my ankle and knees seem to disagree with my plans, will see how it goes. 

De-cluttering

I have kinda packed up the home to 65% of how i would like it to be. I have to acknowledge that it probably would never be 100% because i don't own it fully. There are some things i cannot control or would have to negotiate to get. There are also recurring chores that require my attention or my lack of motivation to navigate. Guests are always a good motivator though. With Marie Kondo's show i have improved my folding, my drawers close now. Throwing away things that do not 'spark joy' is still a no go. But i agree that if i keep items that I really need and not have excesses i do feel more at ease. And what i took out from that is "everything has a home". That was powerful for me, every thing should have a home to go back to.

Knowledge

On the improving myself front, i have been reading alot. Alot means more that i ever did since i started working 12 freaking years. My focus is mainly on non-fiction, self-help books as my goal is to perhaps some phrase or story might give me insight on how i would like to live my life. I've been participating in webinars to see how people conduct their sessions, and how they engage people virtually.

I also downloaded DaVinci Resolve and learnt how to edit my own family video after a cruise. It's not complete to my satisfaction yet, but in a way it is complete to my aim of learning to use the software on my own. The next to tackle would be the 3D modeling software.

Service

I have also volunteered for my time for some courses. Front of House for 2 Silver Arts Fest activities (got a chance to bring my mum and MIL to the shows), participated as online testers for their walking-tour programme, paced goodie bags for Kidstarter & Migrant workers, and volunteered for physiotherapy/exercise activities for elders via Zoom. 

Choices

One downside to this life is that i have been watching alot of Netflix, maybe too much. Does not help that the other half's idea of entertainment is also sitting in front of the television. If i am alone, i will make sure i do chores while it is is turned on. I am also trying not to keep looking at my phone. There is nothing much to look at anyway. I have kept my views posts private since I embarked on this journey. To find meaning, to be content, to be appreciative. All signs point to meditation. It did give me respite during the last few days of my struggling to keep to cyclical nature of work and no sleep (self-inflicted even though unwilling).

I do still worry alot on what will happen in future, it is torn between telling myself that if i don't feel better nothing will turn out good anyway and that i need to do better than before, do the socially acceptable activities. The other thing thought that stuck me is that physical and mental wellbeing works hand in hand. And in my opinion, the former is a matter of choice and the easier one to achieve. So i will press on and for the letter, i should do whatever the hell i want.

I am grateful for all the people that responded to my visits, to my jio-ing for activities, and to dropping me msgs, whether they know or do not know what's going on with my life they have kept me busy. Another insight from books I've read is that a busy mind has no time to worry. For those that did not contact me thank you also because i may not have wanted to hear from you. And initially, that was my preferred status anyway as i felt i needed to entertain and pretend that everything was randy.

Conclusion

This post started off making me sad. But i strangely now feel like i did try in my own way and that's ok if i take many many many many baby steps to walk in circles if i have to. Funny thing i read today is that i should high 5 myself. I know it means to be my own cheerleader, i have to keep practicing that and this post will remind me of that. Good job girl, you unknowingly wrote an essay.

by tab at 5:28 PM |