Sunday, August 04, 2024

Check-in 2024

Can you believe it? it's freaking 2024. because i'm alone (not bored), cos piggy is away from the motherland, I have some time to reflect on myself. I've been wanting to do this for awhile, even contemplating living myself so that I can figure out the cause of my ennui. And to finally tell address the research hypothesis of, "Am i the cause of my own troubles?". Lol don't need a research actually, i can tell you off the bat that it's me "hi. I am problem it's me". Still, i want to be able to say for certain that without external stimuli i.e. no need to pander to anyone's lifestyle or eating habits, i can be the best version of myself. It's only day 2 or 16 days. And i can say that the research is going in the direction as predicted. Though, i would like to counter argue that this researcher is trying to build her life around her aspiration of being healthy. I must say, it has been hard fighting the flu bug that i caught since Thursday. Nonetheless, I have been getting my sleep in. Sleeping like 10 hrs a day, yet trying to get some activity in. Did a bit of zumba yesterday, did a bit of walk just now. *pats own back* good job girl. Promising myself that once the phlegm in my lungs clears we will move on to more intensive endeavors. (Body please play ball, i promise i won't torture you, so get well already.) 

Points 1 to 3 is a recurring theme. But 4, my friends, is a recent development. A recent 2-year development. Interactions with some people have left me a bit undeserving, a little cognitively dissonance, and a lot guilty. You turn to these to fill a hole of loneliness, but there is probably no need to in the first place. No, nothing untoward has happened it's more like if i continue in this direction, of sharing a part of my troubles this way, it is probably a matter of time. i recently got wind of some bad situation that a friend was facing, and lo and behold apart from evoking schadenfreude, it also reminded me that this should be taken as a cautionary tale for me. 

Had to take a little pause from my typing, as this furry being climbed infront of me in an attempt to wrestle my attention away from the screen. Now he sits looking at me with his emerald-green eyes intermittently shutting, while he purrs so strongly that his body slightly rocks back and forth. "Feeding time?" is probably on his mind. But dude, you're 1 hour and 10mins early. go sleep first can? I will wake your highness up when it's time. i verbalise this to him, and he mews as if to say "no", then readjusts to sit closer to me, his paws are now 1 inch away. it seems that he does not trust that i will remember. But i too have immovable resolve, i will therefore contort myself so that i can continue with my typing.

Back to my little reflection, yes i will not become like that, for i am "better" then you. How small-minded of me. Yes, i misspoke we are not friends. Not from my perspective anyway. i was told that if you are not genuinely happy for that person's achievements, you are not friends with that person (the statement was made by a man with very smart pants.). By extension the feeling of schadenfreude by another's misfortune also confirms this fact. I promise myself that I would not relay this to others, as much as i would like to exacerbate the "glee", but i have my principles. 

Any who, i think i need to tidy my life. Mostly tidying up things, but also people. Sorry all you peoples who made me feel bad about myself, even though it's not by your choosing. You unfortunately gotta go, cos maybe your vibe is bad for me. i cannot have you in my life. You probably won't want want to remain in mine too, cause i cannot appreciate you. Maybe i will blog a bit more often, at least for this 2 weeks of self-reflection. le mews is back with mewing for me. Okok sayang you win.

by tab at 5:12 PM |