Check-in 2024
Can you believe it? it's freaking 2024. because i'm alone (not bored), cos piggy is away from the motherland, I have some time to reflect on myself. I've been wanting to do this for awhile, even contemplating living myself so that I can figure out the cause of my ennui. And to finally tell address the research hypothesis of, "Am i the cause of my own troubles?". Lol don't need a research actually, i can tell you off the bat that it's me "hi. I am problem it's me". Still, i want to be able to say for certain that without external stimuli i.e. no need to pander to anyone's lifestyle or eating habits, i can be the best version of myself. It's only day 2 or 16 days. And i can say that the research is going in the direction as predicted. Though, i would like to counter argue that this researcher is trying to build her life around her aspiration of being healthy. I must say, it has been hard fighting the flu bug that i caught since Thursday. Nonetheless, I have been getting my sleep in. Sleeping like 10 hrs a day, yet trying to get some activity in. Did a bit of zumba yesterday, did a bit of walk just now. *pats own back* good job girl. Promising myself that once the phlegm in my lungs clears we will move on to more intensive endeavors. (Body please play ball, i promise i won't torture you, so get well already.)
What do i am planning to achieve, you ask?
- exercise, drink more water, eat healthier
- read, research on life
- find out how to work faster
- get rid of unhappy distractions
Points 1 to 3 is a recurring theme. But 4, my friends, is a recent development. A recent 2-year development. Interactions with some people have left me a bit undeserving, a little cognitively dissonance, and a lot guilty. You turn to these to fill a hole of loneliness, but there is probably no need to in the first place. No, nothing untoward has happened it's more like if i continue in this direction, of sharing a part of my troubles this way, it is probably a matter of time. i recently got wind of some bad situation that a friend was facing, and lo and behold apart from evoking schadenfreude, it also reminded me that this should be taken as a cautionary tale for me.
Had to take a little pause from my typing, as this furry being climbed infront of me in an attempt to wrestle my attention away from the screen. Now he sits looking at me with his emerald-green eyes intermittently shutting, while he purrs so strongly that his body slightly rocks back and forth. "Feeding time?" is probably on his mind. But dude, you're 1 hour and 10mins early. go sleep first can? I will wake your highness up when it's time. i verbalise this to him, and he mews as if to say "no", then readjusts to sit closer to me, his paws are now 1 inch away. it seems that he does not trust that i will remember. But i too have immovable resolve, i will therefore contort myself so that i can continue with my typing.
Back to my little reflection, yes i will not become like that, for i am "better" then you. How small-minded of me. Yes, i misspoke we are not friends. Not from my perspective anyway. i was told that if you are not genuinely happy for that person's achievements, you are not friends with that person (the statement was made by a man with very smart pants.). By extension the feeling of schadenfreude by another's misfortune also confirms this fact. I promise myself that I would not relay this to others, as much as i would like to exacerbate the "glee", but i have my principles.
Any who, i think i need to tidy my life. Mostly tidying up things, but also people. Sorry all you peoples who made me feel bad about myself, even though it's not by your choosing. You unfortunately gotta go, cos maybe your vibe is bad for me. i cannot have you in my life. You probably won't want want to remain in mine too, cause i cannot appreciate you. Maybe i will blog a bit more often, at least for this 2 weeks of self-reflection. le mews is back with mewing for me. Okok sayang you win.
check-in 2023
Check-in after a-year-and-half. It's been great!
This is what it means to be in alignment with what you spend most of your time on. Still trying to balance the healthy lifestyle portion with hold habits creeping up. For example, not drinking enough water, not moving around enough, not prioritizing myself. It is no wonder that that my health hasn't been all that great. But i can do it. I believe i can do it with baby steps.
Just like how the learning curve was steep but i think i am still slowly getting there. Trying to focus on learning rather than being afraid of failing. Constant struggle of feeling inadequate but i gotta keep reminding myself of what i have done and what i can potentially do. I am glad that my new role has forced me to be more structured in my thinking, allowed me to practice being cogent. I love it.
Just came back from a quick BKK trip, friday night to Monday morning. It was a rush taking the plane alone, haven't done that for while. I thought i would be hanging out alone too. But i am too loved. Had pple accompany me all the way. Went for an atas massage, lunch, nice dinner, 7-11 supper. Zoo and zoo cafe. It was awesome... This coming week is me adjusting back to life and trying be healthy as per doctor's advice.
I'm happy, content, trying to manage the art of being chill. I guess just being in the moment and not fearing. Carry on girl. you can do it.
What did i do today. My favourite thing of course, packing my day into many many activities. Doctor appt, last appt, dental appt, dyed my hair, meal prepped. All in a day's work.
2022 Day 2.
I've decided to return to work before my approved date. Not sure whether I would do well, but you never know if you never try. The aim is to achieve work life balance, or rather to learn how to balance my priorities. And me firm about my values and wants. I want to...
- Reach and leave on time so that i can spend time on people that matter.
- See the blue skies.
- Continue with my exercising and cooking.
- Continue with my volunteer work.
- Continue to read as much as I can.
I am trying to appreciate and savor every single moment. Hard times may/will come, but i would like to give myself a chance to go through it. The feeling of being time-starved always makes me feel like i have to rush through things, i want to learn how to chill and relax.
It's learning time again, it may be steep but you can do it. I believe in you.
Hello, It's me.
Hello, it's me.
I took a break, a long one. I needed it. I am not sure whether i really needed it at times because many times i tell myself i do not deserve one. And by not being able to declare to many for fear of judgment and embarrassment i know i still largely feel that i do not deserve it. It's almost 7 months into it, so i needed a check-in.
Many time i tell myself that it is a fantastic opportunity don't squander it one sleep. The contradicting thing is the sleep is long but somehow the rest is not with the pain situation. Nevertheless, i am constantly reminded by people around me that i've got it good. And i hate that. It's makes me feel small and weak and incapable of going through tough times.
I am working hard in my own way. Perhaps not as hard as others would deign to imagine, but Fuck you others.
Health
Anywho, i am a "pro" cyclist now. My definition of pro is being confident enough to cycle on my own, to squeeze with an oncoming cyclist on the narrow pedestrian path, and to get to places around my home. My acquired scars from my many falls are proof of my determination. Plus i am saving money and putting in exercise while i am at it.
On the pain front, i am still experimenting with various sleeping and correcting my sitting-at-the-computer positions. I've identified these two as the source of my pain. It is sad because i can't recover from sleep and i cannot work if i cannot sit for long. I stopped my acupuncture/cupping sessions not because of the rising COVID cases, and that i think they only provide a momentarily respite that should save for bad days. Also, i have to correct the root of the problem and this was not it. I have been putting more hours exercising to get stronger, and perhaps be lighter to reduce pressure on the joints. I love love love doing pilates, when the new school near my house was set up i told myself that i would like to join but by the time i was done with work there was no class to contend with. These period has allowed me to do that and i am so pleased. Writing this i realised that this is the activity i desired and have completed and will try to keep doing.
My next endeavor is to incorporate more plant based meals in a bit to reduce inflammation. I am cooking my own meals as much as i can and this means i am in-charge of what i put in my body. Someone who is facing a little health crisis of her own told me that she is walking 1 hour everyday in the morning at 7am. My heart broke when i hear of what she is going through and I felt instantly ashamed that i am not doing as much and as hard. My aim is to run again, but my ankle and knees seem to disagree with my plans, will see how it goes.
De-cluttering
I have kinda packed up the home to 65% of how i would like it to be. I have to acknowledge that it probably would never be 100% because i don't own it fully. There are some things i cannot control or would have to negotiate to get. There are also recurring chores that require my attention or my lack of motivation to navigate. Guests are always a good motivator though. With Marie Kondo's show i have improved my folding, my drawers close now. Throwing away things that do not 'spark joy' is still a no go. But i agree that if i keep items that I really need and not have excesses i do feel more at ease. And what i took out from that is "everything has a home". That was powerful for me, every thing should have a home to go back to.
Knowledge
On the improving myself front, i have been reading alot. Alot means more that i ever did since i started working 12 freaking years. My focus is mainly on non-fiction, self-help books as my goal is to perhaps some phrase or story might give me insight on how i would like to live my life. I've been participating in webinars to see how people conduct their sessions, and how they engage people virtually.
I also downloaded DaVinci Resolve and learnt how to edit my own family video after a cruise. It's not complete to my satisfaction yet, but in a way it is complete to my aim of learning to use the software on my own. The next to tackle would be the 3D modeling software.
Service
I have also volunteered for my time for some courses. Front of House for 2 Silver Arts Fest activities (got a chance to bring my mum and MIL to the shows), participated as online testers for their walking-tour programme, paced goodie bags for Kidstarter & Migrant workers, and volunteered for physiotherapy/exercise activities for elders via Zoom.
Choices
One downside to this life is that i have been watching alot of Netflix, maybe too much. Does not help that the other half's idea of entertainment is also sitting in front of the television. If i am alone, i will make sure i do chores while it is is turned on. I am also trying not to keep looking at my phone. There is nothing much to look at anyway. I have kept my views posts private since I embarked on this journey. To find meaning, to be content, to be appreciative. All signs point to meditation. It did give me respite during the last few days of my struggling to keep to cyclical nature of work and no sleep (self-inflicted even though unwilling).
I do still worry alot on what will happen in future, it is torn between telling myself that if i don't feel better nothing will turn out good anyway and that i need to do better than before, do the socially acceptable activities. The other thing thought that stuck me is that physical and mental wellbeing works hand in hand. And in my opinion, the former is a matter of choice and the easier one to achieve. So i will press on and for the letter, i should do whatever the hell i want.
I am grateful for all the people that responded to my visits, to my jio-ing for activities, and to dropping me msgs, whether they know or do not know what's going on with my life they have kept me busy. Another insight from books I've read is that a busy mind has no time to worry. For those that did not contact me thank you also because i may not have wanted to hear from you. And initially, that was my preferred status anyway as i felt i needed to entertain and pretend that everything was randy.
Conclusion
This post started off making me sad. But i strangely now feel like i did try in my own way and that's ok if i take many many many many baby steps to walk in circles if i have to. Funny thing i read today is that i should high 5 myself. I know it means to be my own cheerleader, i have to keep practicing that and this post will remind me of that. Good job girl, you unknowingly wrote an essay.
Check-in Part II
Better pen my thoughts before i forget all of them.. maybe just to do it in point form.
Tues - Art Sci Museum with my parents. After meeting up with mom who took the first dose of the vaccine
Weds - not sure what i did but i will get there
Thurs - night "cycling" with the hubs. Why the " "? We didn't exactly do it on bikes, we rented those 4-seater pedals to do it.
Fri - South Island ferry trip with yy and hy. Went from Marina South Pier to Kusu, walked round the island fed a few mosquitoes. The plan was to then take from Kusu to St John walk to Lazarus, but we abandoned plans to go to Seletar mall for BBQ. Watched a few Mind Explained shows.
Sat - currently waiting for the hubs to be ready so that we can leave the house to do real cycling. Why so slow de... Update we cycled to Coney island. Been a long time since i cycled. Wheels and speed are not my strong points in addition to many other things. However, because i read my past blog posts that i had cycled in Japan and told myself that 3.i did ok. I felt like i could do it. Of cause i had a very good cheerleader, who gave me encouragement throughout the way. *blessed*
Afterwhich we took the whole day to binge watch Netflix.
I watched on Netflix that our hippocampus stores past memories shapes our ability to visualize our future memories. This lack of remembering what happens is perhaps what makes me anxious about not being able to accomplish anything because i cannot seem to recall anything.
Doing a side track search over the Internet health.harvard.edu, on 7 ways to keep your memory sharp and my interpretation on the actionable task:-
1. keep learning -- pick up hobby, join a interest group
2. use all your senses -- associate with more senses
3. believe in yourself -- believe in myself
4. economize brain use -- tidy up
5. repeat what you want to know -- work for it if you want it
6. space it out -- repetition is key so it takes time
7. make it mnemonic -- tool to help in memory
Check-in
Dear me,
You are having a not so easy time, but all things shall pass. You took a much needed 1-week away from work to figure things out. It's actually an excuse to breakout of the cycle of bad thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and thinking there must be more to life. Nobody understands because they are not experiencing it themselves. You know that friends can only give so much support, ultimately they have their lives and no one can save you except yourself. You grasp at anything to make you feel ok. You share your thoughts with anyone who asks only to regret immediately that these would just become watercooler fodder.
Saturday was supposed Day 1 of getting a break, we spent a good half of the day trying to do a general vaccuum cleanup of the house before rakuelle & naterokun came over to play board games and subsequently eso. We met up for lunch at M'sian food street. The day was fun, were i momentarily forgot that i was unhappy. It was a day i could pretend that life was good.
Sunday Day 2 was tough. As i woke up with the feeling of anxiety again. Thinking about what to do do i throw away my stable career that was eating me up. Slept in as much as i can. Not successful though. Lunch was the peking duck with kong bak bao at our favourite Bee Heong restaurant. We went there as we wanted to get some pet supplies from Catsmart. They renovated and their fuffly cats were out to play. It's funny as i typed i thought this was Saturday. Woe is me with my brain. Ergo, another compelling reason why this is loop is eating me up.
Monday Day 3 today, went to the dentist as i thought wad do you normally want to do but could not do? What would you lose if you left, dental benefits. Damn. T'was expensive. Afterwhich i spent a long time deciding what to do next. Starwars exhibit at Art Science museum using my Sg Rediscovery vouchers? Going to East Coast park? Going to Garden's by the bay thereafter? Dammit brain just decide. I should backup to say that i actually watched a Ted talk video by a neuroscientist who was promoting the benefits of exercise on the brain. She said that it would allow for greater focus, mood lifter, as well as giving the brain a longer runway to deal with the effects of degenerative diseases. Have i heard it before? Yes. Have i followed it to a T? No. It's hard when the first thing you do is wake up to work and then the last thing you do after wrk is eat and then sleep. Some people say it's an excuse. Wake up earlier then, sleep later then and i even know of living examples who do this. why can't i do it? Because my energy level is 0. Mind over matter, my mind is not doing well to matter.
So so so.. which bring me back to my Day 3, while i was being indecisive, i decided to grab lunch. Setting my eyes on the nearest food place i.e. Mos burger. Let me choose the healthier option, i told myself. "Fish burger, no mayo"..."mos chicken meal, w ice tea". Instant negating my decision of a healthy meal. Adding to that the auntie immediately made my tea medium instead of small. Which i didn't tell her to change it, when i saw she already deftly prepared the tea. One of my pet peeves about myself is just accepting things i do not want. Mental note made to change that starting that moment always makes me upset at myself. So this set me back $10. I thought i was trying to see whether i can live on less? So while i was munching on my fish burger, i decided to take the scenic 975 bus route. pass tranquility you say, maybe pop by the farms.
I was entirely sure on how to get there, but looking at the bus route it seemed like i could take it all the way from Bukit Panjang Bus interchange (which was a bitch to get there as i needed to change to the light rail from the Mrt), or Choa Chu Kang MRT and then look for the bus stop which seemed like a walk away. i did the only logical thing, I decided to just wing it. The mrt journey from Yishun, to Choa Chu Kang (CCK) was long, although not as long as when i went to NTU, it seemed like i had more patience then. To my defense the weather today was helleva hot. I reached CCK and saw that it linked to the LRT. Maybe i could get to Phoenix station and then cross over to the bus stop, seems nearer then from CCK, and i did that. Upon reaching i decided to look for a place to empty my bladder before the long bus ride.
Dear me,
Wanted to let you know that you are so lucky. Your one cat situation has upgraded to having two cats. As you type they sit around looking at you, waiting for any indication that perhaps meal time comes early today.
You took a break today, just because you needed one. And arising from your spontaneous decision, your best friend in the whole wide world decides to do the same for half-a-day so that you would have company.
You are so blessed.
You took a swim in the pool below your house because you can, and also 'cause you need the exercise from lying in bed too long. You go for a long mala hotpot lunch because you wanted to try it. The food was so-so but the company was great.
You are so blessed.
Half of the year has passed and the accomplishment or notable experiences for 2019 would be:-
1) Became a Godma (Feb 2019)
2) Attended basic Teochew lessons (Apr/May 2019).
2) Attended many concerts (Alin, Chinese Jazz concert, dance recital)
3) Traveled (went to Boracay Dec 2018, Taiwan Apr 2019)
There's still need to improve on the fitness front as even sitting and typing this is a literal pain-in-the-neck, but i believe it will get better if practice better posture, sleep habits etc. I kid myself...
Been watching alot of shows lately, namely korean dramas and anime; naruto. The basic virtue that I would like to learn from would be:-
1) work hard
2) work harder
3) Count your blessings
4) Live life
I'd like to start by making a changes.
- Wake up earlier. (7pm)
- Exercise (3x a week)
- Drink more water. (2 bottles a day)
- 1 act of kindness. (tbc)
- Learn constantly. (tbc)
- Visit my loved ones. (1x a week)
Good luck. You can do it.
Those days.
The day you stop trying is the day we fall apart, because you're perfect and i'm not.
Because of this head that is filled with negativity, of inadequacy, of helplessness.
I don't wanna be alive. I just wanna die today.
Ain't nobody callin' my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine.
Because why am i always waiting. Because why am i aimless.
Because why is everything more important. Because why must i give in to everybody.
Because why can't i say what i really feel.
Hey. I'm here. Alive. Things are great.
Can't sleep. My nose is all stuffed up. My eyes are so tired. I cannot stop feeling this way. I promised myself I'll never let myself feel like that. It's hard. We all want to feel loved.
Don't feel like that now.
It's ok. I will love me even if no one else will. When I'm done here I'll promise to sleep. I have to. Long day ahead.
Hey.
Hey it's me. I'm still here.
Funny how I need to return here to give me a snap shot of my past.
I can't seem to remember a lot of experiences. How I was damn 'haps' (happening). Doing stuff like going to the library, playing mahjong and baking cookies. Sad that friends drift apart. Sad that I can't recall the good times.
BUT. That's why this post is here. To tell me that I'm doing ok. If ever, I feel like I'm not ok i'll come here and read that I'm good.
I'm married to the best person in the world. I've got a cat. I am still healthy. (although I sit here typing, not at work cos I got the sniffles) I got my 5 senses. I'm still in my 20s. :P
I may feel inadequate, perhaps I always will. But God works in mysterious ways. Have faith. Time to do whatever damn thing I want, and first order of business is to take over the world. (I kid, that's my cat's job.)
I'm thankful for life. I want to remember that.