Thursday, October 04, 2007

I think i've been less than accomodating. I jus cannot put up with any more pretence. Especially when i feel like a sounding board more than anything else. Everything i say, carries no weight unless it's in accordance with opinions you want affirmation for.

As much as i know that it is a much needed process to go through, I just don't think i can go through that "monologue". Now i know how i treated everyone around me and I feel guilty.

I couldn't sleep a few nights ago.
Suddenly the image replayed in my head. The vivid scene of me stumbling upon something i shldn't have seen. At that pt of time i didn't know what to do. I wanted to hide myself on one hand because i felt like i don't belong there, the other, so as to avoid looking at it further, I wanted to run home to bury myself in my blanket. And yet a sick urge to force myself to go through with it, so that the knife that was stabbed into me can be further twisted. I needed jus that bit of extra to finish me off, to kill all hope. To convince myself that yes, It's time to hate the world now.

I never got that knife twisting effect cos i saw nth to that extent.
But boy did my heart bleed.

Perhaps it was a blessing. Somehow I did all the right things, to keep myself afloat because i dunno what i'd become if i let myself sink.

To force myself.
I need a push.
I lost alot of that resilience.

If there's no more hope... I don't knoe what i'll do.

So what if it doesn't work out?

Then you'll have something to paint abt.

Labels: baiganjiaoji

by tab at 12:11 AM |