I had a wonderful weekend... it must have been the sand, the sea, the view and most of all the family. Even though most of the time we spent lazing in the pool, I believe the time spent together doing absolutely nothing is time well spent.
I'm looking forward to more of such trips, afterall you never know whether there will be a a next.
What's next?
i don't know how I can say goodbye.Labels: baiganjiaoji
Trying to scramble outta my little shell. Somehow i got lost.
I think it went down hill when I lost all remnants of my confidence and perhaps a little of my sanity. The thought of standing infront of a moving vehicle to avoid my circumstance did cross my mind.
The notion that there's no way out of my circumstances was so overpowering. And a big blow came when I felt that even my Lord has forsaken me.
I cannot confidently say I'm out but at least i feel alive. For starters, I feel irritation now, whereas in the past, majority of the time the feeling was of constant sorrow. Everything let to despondent thinking. The good thing was nothing could faze me, simply because there was nothing that could arouse my interest. No happiness, no anger, no excitement. I didn't feel like doing anything, i didn't feel like going anywhere, which would explain my disappearance on practically everyone's map. And my lost of personality and objective in life.
Perhaps i may slip again and each time will be tougher for me to get out. But for now, while i am still in ctrl i can document what I went through and hopefully reading back would allow me to get out of it.Everything you do and say will affect The Lives of Others.
I must rant that the stupid stereotype that administrative ppl have it easy and are not impt is for starters discriminatory and shows ignorance. I don't know how hard it is for you and you don't know how hard it is for me. So unless u've done my exact scope of work dun give me shit abt it being easy.
Feels nice to say 'shit' again.
Labels: baiganjiaoji
life goes on x100.
although i do feel sad when i think abt it, I think i can sweep things under my bed. If i don't think i won't feel.
one day is enuff mourning.
I'll take it as learning how to be in control of my social weather. I accept tt there are things that I cannot be in control of but my emotions i can.
perhaps i was too good at that it the past, to the point of being nonchalent.
Tmr is going to be sunny, because i say it would be.
Labels: baiganjiaoji
I had enjoyed myself today.
It's not the place that makes the day, it's the company.
Suddenly worried abt the most unexpected thing...
the economic situation.
Media does instill fear. But in a way that's their role too, to educate and awaken apathetic people.
One more day.
Labels: baiganjiaoji
Went for my first job interview for the year, and I saw my favourite ang moh! wee~ *heart flutters*
As of now I still don't know what I would like to do. =(
Do assignments & fyp first, I say.
If all goes well, I'll be going to the land of the rising sun! yay! Hole in the pocket of course.
Labels: baiganjiaoji
I think i've been less than accomodating. I jus cannot put up with any more pretence. Especially when i feel like a sounding board more than anything else. Everything i say, carries no weight unless it's in accordance with opinions you want affirmation for.
As much as i know that it is a much needed process to go through, I just don't think i can go through that "monologue". Now i know how i treated everyone around me and I feel guilty.
I couldn't sleep a few nights ago.
Suddenly the image replayed in my head. The vivid scene of me stumbling upon something i shldn't have seen. At that pt of time i didn't know what to do. I wanted to hide myself on one hand because i felt like i don't belong there, the other, so as to avoid looking at it further, I wanted to run home to bury myself in my blanket. And yet a sick urge to force myself to go through with it, so that the knife that was stabbed into me can be further twisted. I needed jus that bit of extra to finish me off, to kill all hope. To convince myself that yes, It's time to hate the world now.
I never got that knife twisting effect cos i saw nth to that extent.
But boy did my heart bleed.
Perhaps it was a blessing. Somehow I did all the right things, to keep myself afloat because i dunno what i'd become if i let myself sink.
To force myself.
I need a push.
I lost alot of that resilience.
If there's no more hope... I don't knoe what i'll do.
So what if it doesn't work out?
Then you'll have something to paint abt.Labels: baiganjiaoji
the hardest thing to do today is to realise tt my normal five day routine is not gonna be carried out anymore and to clear up everything and dump all my papers. I couldn't bear to delete my files in the laptop. When the IT guy said he'd just wipe out my profile so I don't have to manually delete everything, to me it felt like he was gonna wipe out my existence.
Come to think of it, they've seen so many people come and go. I don't think it would have made much of a difference me going, but I appreciate the fact they said they're gonna miss me, even if they've probably said it many times before. awww... =`(
byebye breaktalk breakfast, byebye spinach noodle, byebye topadv. byebye adqm... oh i'll miss the tt darn program. =/ not forgetting the people of cos.
what now?
Labels: baiganjiaoji
Day 4. Let's not talk abt day 4.
Not successful yet again.
N i've got a bad case of diahorrea. the tummy doesn't hurt it just feels growly. Just you know like when u get a runny nose, it runs.
Don't remember eating anything tt didn't agree with me so there.
Felt like a xiang zhuo zou, xiang you zou moment with mr neighbour.
I think he felt intimidated somehow. =x
I'm scary. roar.
dian hua xiang qi le, ni yao shuo hua le
hai yi wei ni xin li dui wo you xiang nian le.
zhen me ni sheng yin bian de leng dan le?
shi ni bian le, shi ni bian le.
deng guang xi mie le, yin yue jing zhi le
di xia de yan lei yi ting bu zhu le
tian xia qi yu le, ren shi bu kuai le.
wo de xin zhen de shou shang le.
if i heard this then, i think i will die crying.Labels: baiganjiaoji